Three for Three

A year ago I began taking the kids on solo trips, leaving the rest at home with Jason.

"I've got this!" he has said each time.

(Shhh! You can't say that out loud!)

I think he would agree out of all the times today was actually the easiest, least destructive, as I was only really gone a day. Two major appliances weren't broken, nor was every surface Sharpied (on two separate occasions 5 days apart) during conference calls, nor did her brother suffer a violent, peanut-allergy vomit attack in the back row of the middle school bleachers during a packed Christmas concert (and as he ran with the vomiting child across the gym floor slipped and fell in said vomit with a WHOMP!)

Trip number four takes off before the end of the month.

I love you for still letting me leave, Jason. You got this, daddy.

Callum on Math

Always finding a way to make his school work fancy.

Notorious G

I was doing the Band Booster thing and the kid of the mom stationed with me would not stop asking her to approve 15 more minutes of screen time while we finished.

"It could be worse," I said.
"Oh yeah?" He and his buddies listened in.
"So my son saved everything he could for years. The only thing he bought was a smart phone and Ottorbox case. Christmas money, birthday money, pet sitting, and snow shoveling money... Anyway, after 4 years he finally bought his dream road bike this summer."
"And he crashed it!"
"Nope, worse. After he spent all his money on that bike he broke his smart phone and his mom wouldn't buy him a new one."
Chorus: "YOU'RE FLIP-PHONE GRAEME'S MOM!"
Indeed, I am.

Callum Compliments

Awesome art exhibit, ten individual installations.
Callum, to the curator upon leaving, "You don't have a lot to do here."
And yet it kept him entertained for HOURS.

Potty Training V, Take One

G: Uh, dad? Violet just peed in the grass.
O: How do you know?
G: I watched her do it.
V: I pee in the fucking grass.

Violet v2.5

What's for lunch? Tuna.
"I DON'T WANT TUNA! I WANT SAMWICHES!"
"Please remember your manners. Alright, here's your (tuna) sandwich."
Eats tuna, discards bread, demands more tuna, by name.
Consumes 6 total helpings, freaks out when the can is gone. Demands cheese, puts it on top of bread, freaks out because it's now "dirty!" with bread crumbs.
Quickly works to redeem herself by calling her fingers "pingers."

Oh, two, you are an awesome beast.

My Better Half

Me: "I kinda wanted to kill the kids."
Him: "That's cool. I bet I'd get a day work off if you did."
Then we laaaaaaaughed.
(No kids were harmed.)

Callum and the Schedule

Me: You start I Love Literacy again today.

Callum: You mean I have Cooking after school today.

Me: No, Cooking is on Thursdays. Today is Tuesday, and on Tuesdays you go to I Love Literacy.

Callum: I will go to Cooking instead.

Me: No.

Callum: Then I will go to Spanish.

Me: No.

(What he will actually do is go to the office and pretend he doesn't know where he's supposed to be in hopes of a better answer.)

Grateful

Many years ago my mom bought me a KitchenAid stand mixer because she wanted me to have one, and I was really excited because it felt like adulting. Then she died. Every time I thought about using it my grief was too heavy to get it out of the box, read the instructions, and figure out which beater to use.

Last year I bought a pricey attachment and vowed to start using it. It didn't work.

Today I tackled the mixer.

Thank you, Mom.

Leveling Up

I broke a virtual Target cart.

Popsicles vs. Placentas

Popsicles were on crazy sale if you bought four boxes, which I can, because I live in a family of locusts, and global warming is real.

When I got home only one would fit in the our jammed freezer. I have a second fridge/freezer at my dad's house a mile away, but I was far too drained.

"Hey, would you say a placenta is about the size of a box of popsicles?"
As luck would have it we have three placentas, the oldest of which is now...omg 9, that Jason has yet to bury.

Out came the medical waste, and in went the popsicles, because that's how I get shit done.

(A box is the same size as a placenta, like exactly.)

So then we defrosted them. One leaked blood all over Jason's phone that happened to be sharing the same counter space. He acted all wtf, but I know he loves a good drinking story, and now he has one.

You're welcome, Jason!

No need to guess, they were all labeled inside. SO FUCKING COOL. I was not expecting the amniotic sacs to be attached, complete, and in such perfect shape, but they were! So stretchy, and translucent! Also, perfect umbilical cords! The 19 month old one was seriously fresh, the 6 and 9 year old ones only slightly less so.

I wish I'd refrozen Violet's to share with the kids again a down the road, but not enough to go dig it up. Yet. Poor baby will not remember seeing hers or get to poke it in all it's very bloody glory. But, yay pictures!

Violet at 17 Months

The developmental assessor freaked out at Violet's puzzle skills. Apparently she is scoring in the 24-36 month range.
"Do you do a lot of puzzles with her?"
No, not really, unless her attempting to join a game of Blokus or Q-Bitz counts.

When confronted with a doll she tried to suck it's thumb. Then she tried to climb into our Little People airplane for the millionith time that day and make us read books with cats on the cover. She is absolutely able to stack blocks but her need to immediately sending them crashing makes it hard to evaluate in a timely manner. When asked (dozens of times) to find a hidden object in one of two cups she insists on lifting both cups at once, every damn time. She is a master with a spoon and doesn't even need a bib, but insists on eating yogurt with her fingers until she's shivering. And while her hands are a mess, there won't be a single drip on her clothing.

Today she picked out her own outfit, down to the shoes.



Violet, you complete us.

I can narrow it down to two possible suspects

"OH! MY! GOD! SOMEONE UNROLLED THE TOILET PAPER, USED IT, AND ROLLED IT BACK UP!" --G

Callum Presents

For Halloween the kindergarteners had to get up in front of the class to present their costumes. I could not get a sitter to go, so sadly I missed it. But every parent that did go has made it a point to tell me how totally awesome my kid is.

While the other kindergarteners were some combination shy/scared/mumbling at their feet/hiding behind the teacher/deer in the headlights, Callum "exploded" on to the stage, faced the audience, and in a loud, clear voice loudly declared "I'm Batman! I'm a sluper-he-o!" He went on to explain and flex his fantastic giant (fake) muscles, strike many poses, and talk about his awesome strength. He kept it lively until they eventually dragged him off the stage.

Proud Momma.

Violet Lost, And Found

Shopping in the pantry with her cart and baby.

Violet on Taking Care of Momma

Dear Babes,*

Thank you so much for taking half-chewed food out of your mouth and shoving into mine, over and over again, with the happiest of smiles. It actually brings tears to my eyes, because you are so big and omg I love you to the moon and back, too. You and I are going to have so much fun together.

Love,
Momma

*Callum's name for Violet

Literally Olive

Me: It's going to be a long summer for both of us if you continue to treat Callum like that.
Her: The length of summer isn't going to change because of what I do or don't do.

Callum's Out for the Summer

Callum's teacher sent home a big package of gum in their end of the year buckets. Callum ate (swallowed) the entire package (minus 3 pieces Olive talked him out of) in two minutes flat.

Welcome to summer vacay, bitches!

Olive on Brothers

Driving their remote controlled cars through your hair when you're reading on the floor.

Oh dear, clueless Callum.

Callum the Artist

At Callum's parent teacher conference a few months ago we heard, again, how his flair for the fancy keeps him from completing projects in the time allotted.

Example: A simple, stay in the lines coloring page. Use a color or two to complete the picture. You've got 5 minutes.

Callum: Use all the colors available. Make meticulous alternating patterns of zig zags, stripes, polka dots, and unique intricacies. Are there letters or numbers involved? Bubble that shit.

Jason and I are like...uh...yeah...he kinda gets that from us, BOTH of us. So does at least one other kid. Then there's another other kid who, like, couldn't be any farther from this problem. Who knows about the fourth.

So we are supposed to be working on rushing, which, eye roll, preschool. Yes, we get it, or maybe we don't, because if the 4 year old wants to go above and beyond and is willing to finish it at home, well kinda seems like a #Problemnotproblem.

So, voilà, Callum's (sloppy) rush job, limit two colors. (Because nobody tells baby he can't make bubble letters at home.)



(Also, please note teacher's fancy letters top left.)