A year ago I began taking the kids on solo trips, leaving the rest at home with Jason.
"I've got this!" he has said each time.
(Shhh! You can't say that out loud!)
I think he would agree out of all the times today was actually the easiest, least destructive, as I was only really gone a day. Two major appliances weren't broken, nor was every surface Sharpied (on two separate occasions 5 days apart) during conference calls, nor did her brother suffer a violent, peanut-allergy vomit attack in the back row of the middle school bleachers during a packed Christmas concert (and as he ran with the vomiting child across the gym floor slipped and fell in said vomit with a WHOMP!)
Trip number four takes off before the end of the month.
I love you for still letting me leave, Jason. You got this, daddy.
Showing posts with label Married to Me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Married to Me. Show all posts
Friday, November 02, 2018
Tuesday, March 06, 2018
My Better Half
Me: "I kinda wanted to kill the kids."
Him: "That's cool. I bet I'd get a day work off if you did."
Then we laaaaaaaughed.
(No kids were harmed.)
Him: "That's cool. I bet I'd get a day work off if you did."
Then we laaaaaaaughed.
(No kids were harmed.)
Friday, February 02, 2018
Growing Old, Together
Me: Can you pluck that weird hair for me? I can't reach it.
Him: Where?
Me: There!
Him: I don't see anything.
Me: Right there!
Him: Honey, you know I can't see things up close anymore.
Him: Where?
Me: There!
Him: I don't see anything.
Me: Right there!
Him: Honey, you know I can't see things up close anymore.
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
Guy Funny
Yesterday Callum got in trouble at school, again, for showing off his penis.
Then first thing this morning he and his friends were caught playing grab ass and junk, where as the teacher explained it to me, you approach from the side so you can grab both ends of your friend at once and squeeze. No one is feeling the bad touch vibe, it's all hysterically funny amongst (male) friends. After a stern warning they did it some more in the afternoon.
I'm explaining this to Jason, my nerdy, somewhat reserved around most people husband, and over the phone I can hear muffled laughter.
"YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY!?"
"It's so funny!"
Then first thing this morning he and his friends were caught playing grab ass and junk, where as the teacher explained it to me, you approach from the side so you can grab both ends of your friend at once and squeeze. No one is feeling the bad touch vibe, it's all hysterically funny amongst (male) friends. After a stern warning they did it some more in the afternoon.
I'm explaining this to Jason, my nerdy, somewhat reserved around most people husband, and over the phone I can hear muffled laughter.
"YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY!?"
"It's so funny!"
Friday, June 03, 2016
Why He Loves Me
Heidi: "Wait, this intro is too long. Is this 'Adagio for Strings' Adagio for Strings? Because I was hoping for Puff Daddy and the Family."
(Yes, I have both on the same Spotify playlist.)
AfS is also something Jason plays on the piano often. I think from now on I will insist he add the P. Diddy parts.
(Yes, I have both on the same Spotify playlist.)
AfS is also something Jason plays on the piano often. I think from now on I will insist he add the P. Diddy parts.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Dads on Grade Level
Today, sitting at middle school reception. A random dad walks in.
"Hi! I need to drop these shoes off for my daughter."
"Sure! What grade is she in?"
"Uhhh...I don't know. Seventh?"
"Seventh grade is at lunch right now, but we can get them to her after. Her name, sir?"
(Name.)
(Computer check.)
"So she's at lunch now, but she'll get them after?"
"Actually, sir, your daughter is in 8th grade, so I'll have someone take them to her now."
My kid's Dad last fall at elementary school pick-up:
"Hi, I can't find my daughter."
"What grade is she in?"
"Uhh...first? Second? Not Kindergarten."
"Do you know who her teacher is?"
"Uhh...no..."
"Do you know where she usually gets picked up?"
"In the pick-up line."
"We have two pick-up lines."
?!
"What's your daughter's name?"
"Olive."
"Oh, Olive! She's in my class! Hi, I'm Mrs. (Your Kid's Second Grade Teacher)!"
Mortified.
"Oh, don't feel bad! My husband wouldn't have known either! He's an engineer."
"I'm an engineer! I'm an engineer!"
"Hi! I need to drop these shoes off for my daughter."
"Sure! What grade is she in?"
"Uhhh...I don't know. Seventh?"
"Seventh grade is at lunch right now, but we can get them to her after. Her name, sir?"
(Name.)
(Computer check.)
"So she's at lunch now, but she'll get them after?"
"Actually, sir, your daughter is in 8th grade, so I'll have someone take them to her now."
My kid's Dad last fall at elementary school pick-up:
"Hi, I can't find my daughter."
"What grade is she in?"
"Uhh...first? Second? Not Kindergarten."
"Do you know who her teacher is?"
"Uhh...no..."
"Do you know where she usually gets picked up?"
"In the pick-up line."
"We have two pick-up lines."
?!
"What's your daughter's name?"
"Olive."
"Oh, Olive! She's in my class! Hi, I'm Mrs. (Your Kid's Second Grade Teacher)!"
Mortified.
"Oh, don't feel bad! My husband wouldn't have known either! He's an engineer."
"I'm an engineer! I'm an engineer!"
Tuesday, April 05, 2016
On Moms
G, telling us about his day...
"So I said, 'Whatcha doing?' and he said, 'Your mom!'"
Hysterical, pee-in-your-pants laughter from my husband and teenage son.
Me, The Mom: "But is it really funny when it's your mom?"
Jason: "Yes it is!"
"So I said, 'Whatcha doing?' and he said, 'Your mom!'"
Hysterical, pee-in-your-pants laughter from my husband and teenage son.
Me, The Mom: "But is it really funny when it's your mom?"
Jason: "Yes it is!"
Labels:
All in a day's work,
Cracker,
Married to Me,
Teenagers
Monday, February 29, 2016
RIP Flower the Hamster
Week One:
Heidi grabs a tissue from a box on Jason's desk.
"NOOOO!"
"What?"
"That's the box with the dead hamster."
Silence.
"Those tissues are covering the dead hamster."
That is not the first time Heidi had used one of those tissues.
Week Two, All the Days:
What is that rotting smell?
Week Three:
Omg, he still hasn't buried the freaking hamster.
Heidi grabs a tissue from a box on Jason's desk.
"NOOOO!"
"What?"
"That's the box with the dead hamster."
Silence.
"Those tissues are covering the dead hamster."
That is not the first time Heidi had used one of those tissues.
Week Two, All the Days:
What is that rotting smell?
Week Three:
Omg, he still hasn't buried the freaking hamster.
Friday, September 04, 2015
Jason on the Big V
V is for vasectomy.
Despite constant nagging for the last nine months, someone hasn't made any inquiries about the procedure that's supposed to happen before the end of the year, and someone's wife refuses to call and schedule it for him, because INAPPROPRIATE.
"I just want to be like a dog in the front seat of the car with his head out the window on the way to the vet. 'Oh boy! Oh boy! Where are we going?'"
Despite constant nagging for the last nine months, someone hasn't made any inquiries about the procedure that's supposed to happen before the end of the year, and someone's wife refuses to call and schedule it for him, because INAPPROPRIATE.
"I just want to be like a dog in the front seat of the car with his head out the window on the way to the vet. 'Oh boy! Oh boy! Where are we going?'"
Friday, July 17, 2015
When Opposites Attract
Mr: What do you want to watch?
Mrs: I don't know. I'm going to go get into something more comfortable first.
Mr: And I am going to get uncomfortable!
Mrs: ?
Mr: Ice cream!
Mrs: Oh. I was going to ask if you want to share an apple.
Silence, and then we both burst out giggling.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Tuesday, May 08, 2012
Living the Dream
Husband: "I love the way you dress, but I am so tired of seeing you in the same thing over and over again. Go buy some new clothes!"
Thursday, October 30, 2008
How I Get My Kicks
Me, holding up a shipping box that would fit my very large head if it were ever to become detached from my body: "Guess what's in here!"
"What?"
"My DivaCup™! Size 2! Because I'm not only not under 30, but I've birthed you some big-headed babies!"
(Anyone else wondering about the circumference difference?*)
(The box also had these, and this in purple, and finally this, which is what I came for because everyone else is out of ribbit. Must have another ribbit. And maybe a pair of Zutano pants for O in red bird print. I've always been a sucker for birds. Sadly this is what I got for myself with my birthday money, and yes, my birthday is still weeks away, but my mom is weird. And I'm actually going to spend a portion of it this year instead of saving it all, because being in trouble for saving money meant to be blown sucks.)
Anywho, ta da the DivaCup™, a surprisingly thick silicone funnel made in Canada, eh, with gradations to measure your flow in ounces AND milliliters. Jackpoooooot! Also included: a kicky DivaCup™ lapel pin, score, and a purple DivaCup™ pouch that I assume is for storage rather than transport as it is not...um...liquid proof. Yeehaw!

*God bless the internet. A size 1 is 42mm wide vs 45mm, though according to Wikipedia, other brands vary by as much as six gaping millimeters! Crikey!
"What?"
"My DivaCup™! Size 2! Because I'm not only not under 30, but I've birthed you some big-headed babies!"
(Anyone else wondering about the circumference difference?*)
(The box also had these, and this in purple, and finally this, which is what I came for because everyone else is out of ribbit. Must have another ribbit. And maybe a pair of Zutano pants for O in red bird print. I've always been a sucker for birds. Sadly this is what I got for myself with my birthday money, and yes, my birthday is still weeks away, but my mom is weird. And I'm actually going to spend a portion of it this year instead of saving it all, because being in trouble for saving money meant to be blown sucks.)
Anywho, ta da the DivaCup™, a surprisingly thick silicone funnel made in Canada, eh, with gradations to measure your flow in ounces AND milliliters. Jackpoooooot! Also included: a kicky DivaCup™ lapel pin, score, and a purple DivaCup™ pouch that I assume is for storage rather than transport as it is not...um...liquid proof. Yeehaw!
*God bless the internet. A size 1 is 42mm wide vs 45mm, though according to Wikipedia, other brands vary by as much as six gaping millimeters! Crikey!
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
It's a good thing we found each other because no one else gets us
Me: Flossing.
Him: Drawing himself aman bath.
Me: "Are you using lavender baby wash?!"
Him: "It's all we have. AND much better smelling than stewing in my own sweaty ass juice!"
Someone really needs to add bubble bath to the shopping list.
Him: Drawing himself a
Me: "Are you using lavender baby wash?!"
Him: "It's all we have. AND much better smelling than stewing in my own sweaty ass juice!"
Someone really needs to add bubble bath to the shopping list.
Saturday, September 06, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
My Something Happy
With all the sadness in the world lately, I feel the need to post something happy.
Voilà one "Smiling Porcupine"

(And if you happen to be eating your Wheaties at the present time urine is mentioned in a not so appetizing way below.)
Being the weirdo that I am, I asked the Cracker if he knew what porcupines eat. His guess? Popcorn.
So we ran to the computer to Wiki it.
Salt. They like salt. I enjoy popcorn for the salt, so awesome guess in my book. Know what else they like?
"Natural sources of salt consumed by porcupines include varieties of salt-rich plants (such as yellow water lily and aquatic liverwort), fresh animal bones, outer tree bark, mud in salt-rich soils, and objects impregnated with urine."
One day I shall remember to read ahead.
Voilà one "Smiling Porcupine"

(And if you happen to be eating your Wheaties at the present time urine is mentioned in a not so appetizing way below.)
Being the weirdo that I am, I asked the Cracker if he knew what porcupines eat. His guess? Popcorn.
So we ran to the computer to Wiki it.
Salt. They like salt. I enjoy popcorn for the salt, so awesome guess in my book. Know what else they like?
"Natural sources of salt consumed by porcupines include varieties of salt-rich plants (such as yellow water lily and aquatic liverwort), fresh animal bones, outer tree bark, mud in salt-rich soils, and objects impregnated with urine."
One day I shall remember to read ahead.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Warp Speed
Yesterday, bright and early, we had our first visit with the RE.
After discussing all of our test results and history, his main concern was viscosity just as it had been with useless OB wanna be RE. While he agreed that morphology and motility are low, he told us that he wasn't concerned since the overall count was good and we had gotten pregnant before. (No hamster eggs for us.) Based on the above, he suggested that he was leaning IUI and felt our chances were very good. Above average good. Cool. He did ask that I repeat the CD #2-3 tests (FSH and friends) since those test results seem to have disappeared from the OB's office. I will also get a chromosome analysis done at the same time to see if there are any obvious answers to my sucky m/c rate.
Woo hoo...vaginal ultrasound time. Right ovary had 7-8 follies, 3-4 on the left. (CD #5.) It was all happening so fast that while I heard him mention "a few cysts, but that's okay" it didn't register enough to ask any questions. Nor did I get any measurements on the follies, though I'm not even sure measurements this early in a cycle would mean anything anyway. As far as he could tell, my ovaries and whatever else are looking really good. (Tubes, of course, can't be seen this way, so who knows.) No signs of ageing beyond my years, which I was relieved to hear since early menstruation and early menopause run in my family.
Are you familiar with OPKs? Yes. We recommend Clear Blue because... Yes. But not the monitor. Yes. Have you charted before? Yes. Today is CD #5? Yes. What day do get a positive OPK? CD #13. Alright, let's do an IUI next week. Let's start with two or three rounds unmedicated. If that doesn't work, we'll try meds for a few months. If you still haven't conceived, then we will reevaluate.
WHAT? IUI NEXT WEEK???
Next week.
Oh, you mean, like, next cycle.
No, next week. You are set to ovulate next week, aren't you? (Flips through my chart and nods. Yes, his short term memory is intact.)
Yes...but this next week?
Yes.
Next week. I'm sorry, I'm not hearing you correctly. You said next week?
Yes.
Should we see a Urologist first?
It's up to you. We have a great one right here in town who I highly recommend who specializes in IF, but I feel confident based on your case that this is the next step.
What about repeating the SA? Shouldn't repeat the SA first?
Again, that's up to you.
What about the CD #2-3 blood tests? Should I do those first?
No. Next cycle is fine.
IUI next week.
Yes.
Ummm...do I have to?
Yes, I actually asked if I had to. Not once, not twice, but at least a half dozen times, even after he'd left us in the care of his nurse, who very nicely reminded me that their job is to get me pregnant, but that we would proceed when I was comfortable.
Because mentally I was back on long term TTC thinking. Meet him, spend a few months running more tests, wait a few months to get into the Urologist as a new patient, maybe actually decide on a plan in 3 or 4 or 6 months. Out of all the scenarios I'd been running in my head there was ever a next week one. Hell, since filling out the paperwork a few months ago when I'd been a friggin saint, I *just* started drinking a cup of caffeine most days again, just started getting lazy about taking prenatal vitamins, just started having the occasional glass of wine after the 2ww was over. The good girl crap was getting old.
False hope? Scam? No, the dude's got an excellent rep: this clinic, which he started when there were only a handful in the entire country, was one of the pioneers of IVF in the early 80s. He's been featured as one of the best by reputable sources, sources we've all heard of. His IVF rates are well above national averages. And he's local, which is just freaky, since we live where we do which is not a major city.
And I feel like an ass, because of course we're going to do it next week. Or at least we plan to unless we get there and are told we should cancel. I just needed a little bit of time to process it all. Because, seriously, suddenly there's a real plan: a plan that starts next week.
After discussing all of our test results and history, his main concern was viscosity just as it had been with useless OB wanna be RE. While he agreed that morphology and motility are low, he told us that he wasn't concerned since the overall count was good and we had gotten pregnant before. (No hamster eggs for us.) Based on the above, he suggested that he was leaning IUI and felt our chances were very good. Above average good. Cool. He did ask that I repeat the CD #2-3 tests (FSH and friends) since those test results seem to have disappeared from the OB's office. I will also get a chromosome analysis done at the same time to see if there are any obvious answers to my sucky m/c rate.
Woo hoo...vaginal ultrasound time. Right ovary had 7-8 follies, 3-4 on the left. (CD #5.) It was all happening so fast that while I heard him mention "a few cysts, but that's okay" it didn't register enough to ask any questions. Nor did I get any measurements on the follies, though I'm not even sure measurements this early in a cycle would mean anything anyway. As far as he could tell, my ovaries and whatever else are looking really good. (Tubes, of course, can't be seen this way, so who knows.) No signs of ageing beyond my years, which I was relieved to hear since early menstruation and early menopause run in my family.
Are you familiar with OPKs? Yes. We recommend Clear Blue because... Yes. But not the monitor. Yes. Have you charted before? Yes. Today is CD #5? Yes. What day do get a positive OPK? CD #13. Alright, let's do an IUI next week. Let's start with two or three rounds unmedicated. If that doesn't work, we'll try meds for a few months. If you still haven't conceived, then we will reevaluate.
WHAT? IUI NEXT WEEK???
Next week.
Oh, you mean, like, next cycle.
No, next week. You are set to ovulate next week, aren't you? (Flips through my chart and nods. Yes, his short term memory is intact.)
Yes...but this next week?
Yes.
Next week. I'm sorry, I'm not hearing you correctly. You said next week?
Yes.
Should we see a Urologist first?
It's up to you. We have a great one right here in town who I highly recommend who specializes in IF, but I feel confident based on your case that this is the next step.
What about repeating the SA? Shouldn't repeat the SA first?
Again, that's up to you.
What about the CD #2-3 blood tests? Should I do those first?
No. Next cycle is fine.
IUI next week.
Yes.
Ummm...do I have to?
Yes, I actually asked if I had to. Not once, not twice, but at least a half dozen times, even after he'd left us in the care of his nurse, who very nicely reminded me that their job is to get me pregnant, but that we would proceed when I was comfortable.
Because mentally I was back on long term TTC thinking. Meet him, spend a few months running more tests, wait a few months to get into the Urologist as a new patient, maybe actually decide on a plan in 3 or 4 or 6 months. Out of all the scenarios I'd been running in my head there was ever a next week one. Hell, since filling out the paperwork a few months ago when I'd been a friggin saint, I *just* started drinking a cup of caffeine most days again, just started getting lazy about taking prenatal vitamins, just started having the occasional glass of wine after the 2ww was over. The good girl crap was getting old.
False hope? Scam? No, the dude's got an excellent rep: this clinic, which he started when there were only a handful in the entire country, was one of the pioneers of IVF in the early 80s. He's been featured as one of the best by reputable sources, sources we've all heard of. His IVF rates are well above national averages. And he's local, which is just freaky, since we live where we do which is not a major city.
And I feel like an ass, because of course we're going to do it next week. Or at least we plan to unless we get there and are told we should cancel. I just needed a little bit of time to process it all. Because, seriously, suddenly there's a real plan: a plan that starts next week.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Out
If I wait until I have the time and energy to write one big fat post about where we've been so far pursuing an IF diagnosis I think we all know it will never happen. So instead, here are some memorable moments:
Waiting 2 months to get J in for a complete physical with his PCP, only to have him come home and tell me that all they did was check his weight and blood pressure. Oh, and btw, the latter is high. (He has since decided that the doctor was wrong and that the nurse who checked it at his office is right. But he refuses to prove it to me at any of those little pharmacy stands.)
(This is me, banging my head against the wall.)
The moment when we started getting taken seriously after a PCT done just to humor me/shut me up.
(Ah ha! "Everything has come back perfectly normal, so let's just wait a year" MY ASS.)
Having evil nurse swear that she called the lab again and that those darn semen analysis results still aren't available *2 months* after the fact. Picking them up directly from the lab in person and handing them to a stammering her.
(I believe I said "ours, but we'll allow you to make a copy.")
A late Saturday night, working our way through reams of paperwork at the kitchen table sent over by the RE, frustration with each other mounting as we try to agree on whether or not to check high blood pressure (see above) when SNL begins replaying Dick in a Box.
(A truly great moment.)
Ovulating at the in-laws. Suggesting we visit a naughty shop to get him in the mood for perfectly timed sex at his parent's while his entire family is congregating downstairs in a not-so-big house. And having him announce to everyone that his wife is looking for a sex store. And then having someone comment that I am looking for a new dildo I'd seen on the internet. And then having my FIL question whether or not I know that dildos don't make babies and aren't you guys ttc?
(And guess what? I'm expecting a positive OPK Thursday night, with travel back to the in-laws scheduled for Friday. Two months in a row? How sexy/conducive to baby-making is that?!)
And let's never forget the panicky last minute oh-shit-I-forgot coiffing.
(Hurrying is always a bad idea.)
(And I have to give a big thank you to those of you who have listened to me whine, complain and cry up until this point. It's so not over yet.)
Waiting 2 months to get J in for a complete physical with his PCP, only to have him come home and tell me that all they did was check his weight and blood pressure. Oh, and btw, the latter is high. (He has since decided that the doctor was wrong and that the nurse who checked it at his office is right. But he refuses to prove it to me at any of those little pharmacy stands.)
(This is me, banging my head against the wall.)
The moment when we started getting taken seriously after a PCT done just to humor me/shut me up.
(Ah ha! "Everything has come back perfectly normal, so let's just wait a year" MY ASS.)
Having evil nurse swear that she called the lab again and that those darn semen analysis results still aren't available *2 months* after the fact. Picking them up directly from the lab in person and handing them to a stammering her.
(I believe I said "ours, but we'll allow you to make a copy.")
A late Saturday night, working our way through reams of paperwork at the kitchen table sent over by the RE, frustration with each other mounting as we try to agree on whether or not to check high blood pressure (see above) when SNL begins replaying Dick in a Box.
(A truly great moment.)
Ovulating at the in-laws. Suggesting we visit a naughty shop to get him in the mood for perfectly timed sex at his parent's while his entire family is congregating downstairs in a not-so-big house. And having him announce to everyone that his wife is looking for a sex store. And then having someone comment that I am looking for a new dildo I'd seen on the internet. And then having my FIL question whether or not I know that dildos don't make babies and aren't you guys ttc?
(And guess what? I'm expecting a positive OPK Thursday night, with travel back to the in-laws scheduled for Friday. Two months in a row? How sexy/conducive to baby-making is that?!)
And let's never forget the panicky last minute oh-shit-I-forgot coiffing.
(Hurrying is always a bad idea.)
(And I have to give a big thank you to those of you who have listened to me whine, complain and cry up until this point. It's so not over yet.)
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