Violet, Age 4.5

"Mom, when I grow up I want to make chocolate and control the world."

Violet, Age 4

 "Hey, mom, did you know that if we cut off our heads we can be alive for 7 minutes!? Can we try that?"

"No."

"No fair, you always say no!"

Three for Three

A year ago I began taking the kids on solo trips, leaving the rest at home with Jason.

"I've got this!" he has said each time.

(Shhh! You can't say that out loud!)

I think he would agree out of all the times today was actually the easiest, least destructive, as I was only really gone a day. Two major appliances weren't broken, nor was every surface Sharpied (on two separate occasions 5 days apart) during conference calls, nor did her brother suffer a violent, peanut-allergy vomit attack in the back row of the middle school bleachers during a packed Christmas concert (and as he ran with the vomiting child across the gym floor slipped and fell in said vomit with a WHOMP!)

Trip number four takes off before the end of the month.

I love you for still letting me leave, Jason. You got this, daddy.

A Tale of Two Grahams

Violet was amazed and delighted to find there is at least one other person in the world sharing her brother's name. To keep things clear she has renamed them "Our Graeme" and "Tiny Graham." Tiny Graham is also 3, bigger than her, and in the same small preschool class. Our attempts to find an alternate title for the younger Graham have fallen on no shits given 3 year old ears. Sorry, Tiny Graham, we'll keep trying.

Slight Misinterpretation

Peace? No. Violet loves it when the band makes "A piece-a pizza!"

Those Plastic Lawn Flamingos

I'll take weird things Violet has fallen asleep cuddling for $100, Alex.

Mean Mom, Halloween Edition

"No Violet, you cannot nap with the pumpkin carving tools book."
HYS-TER-I-A.
Mom takes book and puts it away, out of sight, where she would need a stool + climbing to reach it, and then goes to work out on the other side of the house.
A good hour later, Violet is screaming bloody murder.
Mom finds her obviously just awoken from a very deep, drooly sleep, with a pumpkin carving knife slashing her cheek and all the tools piled on her pillow, book ripped into a million pieces in order to extract said tools.
Yup, that's pretty much Violet.

Potty Training V, Take Three

V: Dad, I want my diapers back.

Potty Training V, Take One

G: Uh, dad? Violet just peed in the grass.
O: How do you know?
G: I watched her do it.
V: I pee in the fucking grass.

Left Behind

We banished the three big kids from the house and told them to walk to my old elementary school where we'd pick them up eventually so we could get ready in peace.
"Guys? GUYS! Where are my guys!? GUYS!!! I HAVE NO FWIENDS!"

Violet Goes to The Broad

V: "Wow, there's so many people in here..."

If you take a two year old to the Getty

you will be forced to carry her random crap.

I Love LA

Her family took her to see the Space Shuttle Endeavour and all she did was hug the trash.

31 Months

My new favorite thing is Violet faking Pig Latin to fit in with the big kids.

How to Make the Strangers Around You Laugh Out Loud

Me, to two year old: "Are those your best manners?"
Her: "NOPE!"

Violet Sees Through the Slats

"GUYS, WATCH OUT! BE CAREFUL! IT'S VERY BRIDGE!"

Toddler Property Law

Violet, as she steals everybody's stuff: "IT'S MINE! I GOT IT FOR KWISSMISS!"
(Yeah, it's not hers, and it wasn't a Christmas gift, either.)

Violet v2.5

What's for lunch? Tuna.
"I DON'T WANT TUNA! I WANT SAMWICHES!"
"Please remember your manners. Alright, here's your (tuna) sandwich."
Eats tuna, discards bread, demands more tuna, by name.
Consumes 6 total helpings, freaks out when the can is gone. Demands cheese, puts it on top of bread, freaks out because it's now "dirty!" with bread crumbs.
Quickly works to redeem herself by calling her fingers "pingers."

Oh, two, you are an awesome beast.

Good Night, Sweet Violet

Every night once she's done nursing she stands up in my lap, grabs my face with her little hands, and brings us in, nose to nose. And then she slowly whispers whatever happens to be on her mind.

Tonight it was "I want...to...go...to the beach...and eat cookies."

Violet hasn't been to the beach since December despite asking every day, and that's a problem.

Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty, Little Cup of Tea

Barista: Oh, and we also have a Lavender Earl Grey.
Violet: YOU HAVE OUR CAT?!


Earl Grey, our cat