Thursday, June 10, 2010

Lives, Lost

We met in a college French class, and during my 5 years in Colorado she was my best friend. To this day she remains the kindest, most gentle person I have ever met. I don't know how to put it into words, except to say that even in a place as granola as Boulder, she was the embodiment of Mother Earth.

I have a million wonderful smiling pictures of her, but this one of her and my son has always been my favorite.


She was so excited when I became pregnant with that little guy that she came to visit us in Phoenix just so she could put her hands on my 4 months pregnant belly. When he was 3 months old I brought him up to her. All I remember from that trip is laying on a bed, the two of us spending hours pouring over his little body and soaking up his babyness.


I hadn't seen her face to face in two years, but in our short exchanges through email and facebook I sensed she was having a hard time adjusting to motherhood. Caught up in my own family drama, I didn't reach out the way I should have, despite the fact that she had reached out to support me when my mom was dying. Even though I had yet to meet him, I loved her son fiercely through his pictures. His round little face and perfect boy hair reminded me so much of my own son as a baby.

According to the media the fact that she was suffering from post partum depression wasn't a secret -- her family knew, medical professionals knew, her neighbors even knew. And she was trying to find help.

I know I'm angry and hurt and devastated and irrational, but really, it never should have happened, not in a million years.


RIP sweet baby.

12 comments:

Niffer said...

OMG! I have no words, but if you could only see my tears... Hugs.

Niffer said...

Your post, by the way, was beautifully written. You have a way with words. You send such a powerful message without needing many words. I think this is a beautiful tribute to the person she really was. It's so painfully sad.

Mrs. Bird said...

Heidi,

I am so very, very sorry. This is absolutely devestating...let me know if you need anything ((hugs))

sqpeggy said...

Wow. Post-partum depression is often taken so lightly. Sounds like she became so convinced of this problem with her son that she lost touch with reality completely which I think goes even beyond depression into psychosis.

I feel so sorry for her actually and sorry for you and everyone involved. It's truly devastating.

I've had friends with PPD and often have not been quite sure how to help, but thanks for the reminder to just step in- in any way that we can and as often as we can until they are through it.

Important Post.

M.B. said...

All I can say is, I am sorry. Hugging you and all who loved your sweet friend in my heart.

melinda said...

that's so so so sad :-( I really really hope youre friend gets the help she needs and recovers (though I don't know how your heart would recover after that, so sad). After my second child was born I had post natal depression (it started when pregnant though) and lost touch abit with reality (I thought I was dying)....tried Zoloft as prescribed and it is such a full on drug. Was so sick from it had to stop after a couple of days..........am on a different one now and I'm in reality now, getting better bit by bit. I hope the same for your friend. Have been there and it's a horrible place to be. I think stress builds up and your brain kind of snaps? to anyone out there who has a friend in a similar situation they just need someone by their side, possibly everyday until they feel they can stand on their own. It won't take away the loss of reality but it will keep them going until their brain can sort itself out xxxx

Anonymous said...

I have no word seeing this. I guess the only thing we can do is by caring for people around us. Be dare to ask what's going on when we see them acting unusual. I feel sorry for you, I know it would affect you a lot, but at the same time it reminds us that we should take some time patting people shoulder or being a good listener.

Anonymous said...

I think after a women has a child regardless of if they are showing signs we could be more sensitive to their needs. After I had each of my kids I went through PPD. But the thing is, I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I created a "plastic smile" so everyone thought I was okay. It felt like "okay I had my baby, now everyone going to wonder if I get PPD". So I hid it. I work through it on my own. As my friends and sisters have children, I'm more aware of PDD. A simple phone call of have how are you really doing. Your never alone, if you should ever feel that way.
I'm sorry about your friend. My God bring you peace and ease your pain.

Support said...
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opht said...

life is a lost

Renée said...

Just stumbled on your blog, then this entry and it touched me. What a sad situation. You are a wonderful friend and it's very easy to lose touch with people once children come into the picture. I think as women we tend to allow ourselves to feel remorse for things that are truly out of our control. I know you feel as though you could have done something but there was really no way you could have possibly sensed what was on the horizon for her and her baby. What a sad, sad story. I'm so sorry.

Heidi said...

Renée, thank you so much for your kind words. You're absolutely right. I just don't think my heart will ever be able to let go of the idea that some tiny difference could have saved them both, you know?