Thursday, May 18, 2017

Solved! The Case of the Missing Library Videos

Violet had put a surprising number of DVDs in the living room VCR.

(Yes, it's 2017, and we have more than one VCR.)

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Olive and the IEP

For her upcoming Gifted IEP Olive was asked the consider the following:

What do you see for your future?
"Dead things."

What strengths do you have?
"Reading for long periods of time without blinking. Playing dead."

What weaknesses do you have?
"Cute things. Being annoying when I'm not supposed to." (Evil grin.)

What are some hobbies or areas of interest?
"Yelling, screaming..."

So can I respond, "Olive is good at being an ass"?

Sunday, May 07, 2017

Popsicles vs. Placentas

Popsicles were on crazy sale if you bought four boxes, which I can, because I live in a family of locusts, and global warming is real.

When I got home only one would fit in the our jammed freezer. I have a second fridge/freezer at my dad's house a mile away, but I was far too drained.

"Hey, would you say a placenta is about the size of a box of popsicles?"
As luck would have it we have three placentas, the oldest of which is now...omg 9, that Jason has yet to bury.

Out came the medical waste, and in went the popsicles, because that's how I get shit done.

(A box is the same size as a placenta, like exactly.)

So then we defrosted them. One leaked blood all over Jason's phone that happened to be sharing the same counter space. He acted all wtf, but I know he loves a good drinking story, and now he has one.

You're welcome, Jason!

No need to guess, they were all labeled inside. SO FUCKING COOL. I was not expecting the amniotic sacs to be attached, complete, and in such perfect shape, but they were! So stretchy, and translucent! Also, perfect umbilical cords! The 19 month old one was seriously fresh, the 6 and 9 year old ones only slightly less so.

I wish I'd refrozen Violet's to share with the kids again a down the road, but not enough to go dig it up. Yet. Poor baby will not remember seeing hers or get to poke it in all it's very bloody glory. But, yay pictures!

Friday, May 05, 2017

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Kindergarten Goals

"Mom, if I keep my body parts in my pants for the rest of the week I get to feed the principal's lizard! It eats worms!"


Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Guy Funny

Yesterday Callum got in trouble at school, again, for showing off his penis.

Then first thing this morning he and his friends were caught playing grab ass and junk, where as the teacher explained it to me, you approach from the side so you can grab both ends of your friend at once and squeeze. No one is feeling the bad touch vibe, it's all hysterically funny amongst (male) friends. After a stern warning they did it some more in the afternoon.

I'm explaining this to Jason, my nerdy, somewhat reserved around most people husband, and over the phone I can hear muffled laughter.

"It's so funny!"

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Violet, 18 Months

Finishing up her last mouthful of meatball, "Violet, would you like a strawberry?"

Ever so slowly she spits out dozens of little pieces of meatball from her overstuffed mouth, waterfall style.


Friday, March 03, 2017

Violet Plays the Piano

Beware your ears and the little girl squeals.

Violet on the suck

Violet likes dolls. Specifically, she'd like to suck their thumbs.

So far she has found it unsatisfying, but like a real trooper, has not given up hope.

And if she is in the doll aisle at Target and her momma won't let her suck on doll thumbs, she will instead try to nurse on Baby Stella's shampoo bottle:


Wednesday, March 01, 2017

Violet at 17 Months

The developmental assessor freaked out at Violet's puzzle skills. Apparently she is scoring in the 24-36 month range.
"Do you do a lot of puzzles with her?"
No, not really, unless her attempting to join a game of Blokus or Q-Bitz counts.

When confronted with a doll she tried to suck it's thumb. Then she tried to climb into our Little People airplane for the millionith time that day and make us read books with cats on the cover. She is absolutely able to stack blocks but her need to immediately sending them crashing makes it hard to evaluate in a timely manner. When asked (dozens of times) to find a hidden object in one of two cups she insists on lifting both cups at once, every damn time. She is a master with a spoon and doesn't even need a bib, but insists on eating yogurt with her fingers until she's shivering. And while her hands are a mess, there won't be a single drip on her clothing.

Today she picked out her own outfit, down to the shoes.

Violet, you complete us.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

Growing Graeme

On December 6, 2016 Graeme was looking tall so we updated our growth wall chart. Two plus inches taller than mom and growing.

On January 27, 2017 grandpa, who sees him all the time said, "I swear he's grown recently!" To the wall! He had grown a full half inch since December 6th.

On February 11, 2017 Jason said, "Jesus shit, you're almost as tall as I am!" To the wall! He had grown a half inch more.

He is 13.

Friday, February 10, 2017

Callum and Shaylee Sitting in a Tree

He met her in an after school class. She is a first grader. The feeling is mutal according to Olive, who is good friends with her Shaylee's cousin.

All aquiver, "Mom, I love her! I love her soooo much!"

Oh boy.

Friday, January 27, 2017

Go Ahead and Stroke My Ego II

At Callum's IEP we learned they call him "The Human Calculator." The kid's spatial skills have always been off the charts. Gifted testing is in his future.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Graeme on 90s Technology

Watching Will and Grace over Jason's shoulder, "Omg, she has my phone!"

Then we all laughed, because she totally did.

Dumb phones rule.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Olive's Christmas Poem to Her Mother

Trump is a grump, a big rump.
He lives in the city dump.
He has to triple jump to get over a sugar lump.
I think he needs a stomach pump.
He is as slump as a tree stump.

So go to your house,
Be as quiet as a mouse,
Until someone kicks him out,
Then shout: "Never again will I pout!"

The End!

Saturday, December 17, 2016

She's One of Us Now

Us to the baby in normal every day conversation: "You have a spoon..."
Baby: "UH!"

Friday, December 16, 2016

Violet on How to Sleep Like a Baby

There were also two adults in this bed. Ow.

Thursday, December 08, 2016

Calls from the Office, Part 1

Call #1, November 2nd: Biting a friend, no skin broken.

Call #2, December 2nd: Indecent exposure. Mariah was on a "rampage" ripping up everyone's art and Callum decided he'd like some of that attention. "In an effort to steal her thunder, he shouted'Hey turn off the lights for a show!'" and whipped out his penis. Later, in tears, when I asked why, "I wanted everyone to laugh at me."

Call #3, December 7th: Boys on boys under the bathroom stall door peeping. The after school lady is explaining in great detail that there was a gaggle of kinder boys and a ringleader and she won't stop nervously talking in circles. "So, what you're trying to tell me is that my kid was the ringleader?" "NO! HE'S A VICTIM!!!" and "But these kind of things happen all the time!" (And please don't try to get me fired or call my boss or threaten to sue or freak out.) "OH! Don't worry, we're cool. He exposed himself to his entire kindergarten class last week so this is nothing! I am so relieved!" After school program lady did not seem to share my great sense of relief. Oops.

It feels safe to assume there will be a part 2.

Tuesday, December 06, 2016

I can narrow it down to two possible suspects


Monday, December 05, 2016

Callum and the School Library

Five months into kindergarten and Callum still only checks out books we already own.

It's hilarious, or so I'm told, when surrounded by friends.

Weirder, we go to the city libraries more than Target and he's never once tried to do it there.

We have an entertainer on our hands.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

All the Foods

Callum's favorite Thanksgiving food is "pesto," but then he drew pizza, and we actually had ham. Screw turducken and piecaken, welcome pestoizzaham.


"This bat is I eating hot dogs."

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Olive Writes

Waiting for her conference to begin, Jason and I are simultaneously reading a story she's written on display in the hall, and it's gore-free normal little girl stuff. Strange.

Jason: "Oh! There she is!"
Me: "Ah, yes."

Something about stapling herself to a wall, and then it went downhill from there.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Heidi on Don't Do That

She already had the leverage bounce down, but the pictures stop because she finally found her foothold.

Monday, October 31, 2016

2016 Holiday Card Reject

Behold the face of an 8 year Medusa about to go trick or treating with her lame-ass family. Oh, Olive, my love.

(Jason is Nacho Libre, which, not sexy.)

Callum Presents

For Halloween the kindergarteners had to get up in front of the class to present their costumes. I could not get a sitter to go, so sadly I missed it. But every parent that did go has made it a point to tell me how totally awesome my kid is.

While the other kindergarteners were some combination shy/scared/mumbling at their feet/hiding behind the teacher/deer in the headlights, Callum "exploded" on to the stage, faced the audience, and in a loud, clear voice loudly declared "I'm Batman! I'm a sluper-he-o!" He went on to explain and flex his fantastic giant (fake) muscles, strike many poses, and talk about his awesome strength. He kept it lively until they eventually dragged him off the stage.

Proud Momma.