Friday, September 16, 2016

My Girl

Bursting loudly into the room as I am filling out her gifted paperwork:
"OH MY GOD, MOM! I HAVE SAND IN MY BUTT CRACK! AND MY BUTT HOLE! HAHAHA IN MY HOLE!!!"

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Callum on Hobbies

"Art, and feeding myself food. Yeah."

Friday, September 09, 2016

Callum on Mexican Food and Aging

(In the men's restroom, as told to me by Jason.)

Callum was in the single stall, taking his sweet time pooping, and loudly signing, mariachi-style, "Delici-o-so! Delici-o-so!"

Then turning strangers into friends at the sink:
"Are you an old man?"
"Yes I am."
"I am not. I am five. First I was three, second I was four, and third I am five!"

Wednesday, September 07, 2016

Teenager

Early morning call from 8th grade:

"Mom, you need to come get me. I have an ear infection. I need medicine."
This is unexpected news since we were actually at the doctor's office last night at 5:30 pm for a physical, and knowing he'd had a little hint of a cold (which hit me and the baby hard, listen to me croak) the doc had made a big ordeal out of telling me his ears and lungs were a-okay.
"What are you feeling?" (And what drugs do you think I have to give, son?)
"Oh, you know, it's an ear infection, and it's in that ear where I ALWAYS have ear infections."
(No, I don't know that ear. You had one ear infection in the 13.5 years I have been your mother, which was back in kindergarten, so...) "I need you to describe it to me. What exactly does it feel like?" (Not gonna say pain, or pressure. You gotta come up with those on your own, kid.)
"Oh. it's definitely an ear infection. That's what it feels like."
"Did the nurse look in your ears?"
"No, but she did take my temperature and I don't have a fever. Weird, right?"
(NO. What class are you missing?)

Nurse gets on phone:

"He does not have a fever, but he tells me he is wearing glasses from third grade and I think that might be the problem. With your permission I'm going to send him back to class."
"Yes, please."

He did get glasses until 4th grade, but you know, whatever.

Also, dad found your glasses in less than 60 seconds, in the exact place I told you they'd be. You know, where you looked for 55 minutes before giving up.

Tuesday, September 06, 2016

Violet Lost, And Found

Shopping in the pantry with her cart and baby.


Monday, September 05, 2016

Violet on Taking Care of Momma

Dear Babes,*

Thank you so much for taking half-chewed food out of your mouth and shoving into mine, over and over again, with the happiest of smiles. It actually brings tears to my eyes, because you are so big and omg I love you to the moon and back, too. You and I are going to have so much fun together.

Love,
Momma

*Callum's name for Violet

Monday, August 22, 2016

Things I've Literally Said at Target

"I am only buying you Bandaids if you promise not to use them all on your nipples again."

#nopasties

On Venting About Teen Behavior

Lesson learned: Do not vent about typical teenage behavior to parents of younger children. The time spent trying to explain that your kid is not crazy or have emotional problems, just a whole different beast of a brain, is nearly as frustrating as the teenage behavior itself. You'll explain there are some awesome articles out there that explain it all, like Scientific American's The Amazing Teen Brain, but instead they'll just continue to judge.

Sigh.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Violet on Black Lights

I didn't think anything of it until I felt pain inflicted by tiny finger nails from the rider on my hip as she drew blood from my arm fat. She was just starting to relax again when she realized her romper was glowing and I almost didn't catch her she attempted to jump out of it. But as in every That's So Violet episode, she never once made a peep or shed a tear.

And five minutes later black lights were super funny.

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Violet's First Sing Along

Mom: She blinded me with science! Do! Do!
Violet: Do! Do!

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Callum on Donald Trump

With all-knowing confidence, "Donald Trump...is a duck!"

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Callum on the Phone

Growing up in the era of Skype:

Giggling, "I can hear you, but I can't see you!"

Monday, August 08, 2016

Callum Schools Olive

Callum: (I don't remember.)
Snarky Olive: Yeah, and monkeys fly...
Callum: No, they swing!

Thursday, July 07, 2016

Callum on Video Games

No video games? Pbft! Callum zooms around Google Earth race car-style the one and only time I let him loose on the internet.

(Me, smacking forehead.)

The Lashes Are Real

Someone once asked us if we'd used Latisse on infant Olive. No.

They all have them, but Olive and Violet's are the darkest.


Thursday, June 30, 2016

New Mexican(s) in a Strange Land, Part 2

Once upon a 2013 in California the Cracker renamed Santa Cruz "Santa Cruces" after our very own Las Cruces.

Once upon a 2016 in California Callum renamed San Diego "Sandia Egg-o" after our very own Sandia Mountains. He knows nothing the waffles.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Olive on Ice Cream

Once a year during our California trip we overindulge at Fenton's, ordering a giant mountain of ice cream. (Honestly because 4-5 scoops on a single plate is like $10 vs. $4/each separately, and this Momma is cheap.) Everyone who is old enough to express an opinion picks one scoop if they'd like, this year bringing us to 4 scoops because Jason and I share.

More years than not the whole experience has sent Olive over the edge because her ice cream touches some one else's ice cream, or the Cracker looks at her funny, or whatever. Sorry, kid, but if you can look past that there's ice cream to be had.

Older and wiser, 2016 was going well, until she ate too much. The scoops are HUGE. After two hours of crying she barfed in a parking lot an hour before dinner.

We were not close to base, and already had reservations to sit in a trolley at an Old Spaghetti Factory that Callum was really excited about. And really, she was 100% fine now. We went.

Olive was so fine, it turns out, that she ate the ice cream that comes at the end of a Spaghetti Factory meal. Me = Traumatized. Her = What? Why?

Lesson not learned. I love it when other parents talk about how well consequences work as a one-size fits all parenting strategy. Yup, now meet Olive.

New nightmare: Olive and alcohol.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

So Cal Roadtripping Restroom Adventures

We are stuck in nasty LA traffic, and somekid needs to go potty.

Waiting in line for the women's restroom at Jack in the Box, a 50-something African-American lady in head-to-toe red, white, blue, and Trump starts talking to me:
"I pay my taxes, so I told them to go clean those nasty bathrooms! I am a taxpayer, dammit! I pay my taxes and I want my clean bathroom! I can't believe they think they can get away with that! Can you believe it? You look like a taxpayer! Is a dirty bathroom acceptable to you! No, ma'am! That's our hard-earned money! We're taxpayers! You feel me, right? We're taxpayers!"

I can't even.

Nice Trump shirt, hat, and button, ma'am.

Not.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Callum Sings London Bridges

"All-of-the-bridges are falling down!"

Friday, June 17, 2016

Callum on Boobs

Wtf is he singing?

"Some are big, all are boobs.
They are circles, watch them move!
See them all!"

(Blame goes to Graeme on this one. No more Weird Al for you people!)

Eating Out With Super Hero Callum

All the hostesses: "So you need 3 adult menus and 3 kid's menus?"
Callum: "Um, no. We need 3 adult menus, 2 kid's menus, and one sluper he-o menu."

Friday, June 10, 2016

Callum on Our Super Hero Family

He is Fast Man!
Graeme is Slow Man!
Mommy is Woman Man! (Um, remember Wonder Woman? You do! But this is totally different? Okaaaay...)

Monday, June 06, 2016

G the God

From the third row, headphones in, listening to his mp3 player...

G: If I was a God I would be the God of Books, or Aimesh people.
H: Amish?
G: Yeah.
H: Why's that?
G: Our family's total and utter lack of technology.

It must be Rumspringa.

(We love it when he mispronounces things he's learned from books. Yesterday it was Baja California.)

Friday, June 03, 2016

Why He Loves Me

Heidi: "Wait, this intro is too long. Is this 'Adagio for Strings' Adagio for Strings? Because I was hoping for Puff Daddy and the Family."

(Yes, I have both on the same Spotify playlist.)



AfS is also something Jason plays on the piano often. I think from now on I will insist he add the P. Diddy parts.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Callum and the Potty

Whenever the opportunity arises, like any time he is changing, Callum feels the need to stick his penis out the top of his underwear and/or pants/pajama bottoms/swim trunks and then draw attention to it. Even though the rest of us are totally desensitized to this particular brand of humor, Callum cannot be convinced it is anything less than pure comedic gold that bears repeating no less than twice daily.

You would think a kid like that would pee on a damn tree.

At the park:
C: "I have to pee!"
Mom: "Okay, let's go water that tree way over there."
C: "No, I need a potty."
Mom: "But you can pee on a tree just like a bear!"
C, with total utter confusion and sadness: "But Mom, I am not a bear. I am a human."
C, as we hike to the car, and I'm racking my brain for the nearest restroom while loading four children and all their crap: "Hurry, please."

He cannot be convinced. I have tried, and tried. And tried.

Yay for teenagers who can escort their younger siblings in while you park the car. Fifteen minutes later I am approaching the nearest grocery store bathroom, located at the far end of produce, just past the double doors leading to the stockroom. Halfway through the store I can see that not only are the stockroom doors open, so is the bathroom door, with a perfectly framed side view of Callum: pants on the floor, hands on hips supporting his back, pelvis thrust forward, streaming arch of pee.

Right as I was face-palming my damn self a male employee walking by chuckled and tapped the door shut.

No, you're totally right Callum, peeing on a tree on the far end of the park where no one can see would be madness.