Thursday, April 21, 2016

Whatcha reading, G?

Math teacher: "The first three books I took away from him today were, you know, regular G books. (Snort-laughing) The fourth though..."

























G laughed. I laughed. School counselor laughed. Jason did not.

(It's okay, Jason, I think you had to be there.)

Dads on Grade Level

Today, sitting at middle school reception. A random dad walks in.

"Hi! I need to drop these shoes off for my daughter."
"Sure! What grade is she in?"
"Uhhh...I don't know. Seventh?"
"Seventh grade is at lunch right now, but we can get them to her after. Her name, sir?"
(Name.)
(Computer check.)
"So she's at lunch now, but she'll get them after?"
"Actually, sir, your daughter is in 8th grade, so I'll have someone take them to her now."

My kid's Dad last fall at elementary school pick-up:

"Hi, I can't find my daughter."
"What grade is she in?"
"Uhh...first? Second? Not Kindergarten."
"Do you know who her teacher is?"
"Uhh...no..."
"Do you know where she usually gets picked up?"
"In the pick-up line."
"We have two pick-up lines."
?!
"What's your daughter's name?"
"Olive."
"Oh, Olive! She's in my class! Hi, I'm Mrs. (Your Kid's Second Grade Teacher)!"
Mortified.
"Oh, don't feel bad! My husband wouldn't have known either! He's an engineer."
"I'm an engineer! I'm an engineer!"

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Not Happy

On Sunday I caught one of the kids with a Sharpie drawing happy faces on his siblings. I was all Wft? Gimme the goddamn pen right now! and he was all I am so clever and uproariously funny! It wasn't until later that we realized he had first gone around the house and drawn nickel and dime sized happy faces ALL OVER EVERYTHING. IN SHARPIE.

Kitchen counters, kitchen cabinets, kitchen faucet, stainless steel appliances, white appliances, kitchen floor, his wooden furniture, our wooden furniture, plantation shutters, windows, picture frames, door frames, painted walls, mirrors, bathroom counters, bathroom sinks, bathroom floors, tub, toilet, his brothers beloved stuffed animal's face, his brother's favorite toys, his brother's favorite possessions, I am going to stop now because like HUNDREDS OF THINGS and I think you get the point.

Also, it was not the four year old.

Jason and my dad were more resigned and less suprised than I was. The culprit was like Why aren't you laughing...wait...oh shit.

Oh shit is right.

Later that night an email came through from neighborhood security about suspected 8th and 9th grade boys caught on camera and in the process of being identified for "Petty vandalism" with the explanation that affected homeowners know boys that age are stupid and have no intention of pressing charges, but also need to make sure things don't escalate.

Not my kid, but a good you're not alone reminder that good boys this age are so damn...not using their brains much. This is how penises, butts, and boobies get drawn on other people's property. So as pissed as I am, it could have been much worse. Lesson, please sweet baby Jesus, learned.

Then this was in my Facebook feed Monday. Thank you for that.

I assume we will continue to accidently stumble upon them for some time to come. Today's find:

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Callum on Underwear

Our dearest Callum is sensory seeking due to low registration. While he absolutely feels things, it's often dulled, muted, not punchy enough.

To say that potty training didn't go well the first, second, third, or subsequent tries is a huge understatement. Then suddenly he was three and a half, and it got to the point that we really didn't know if he was truly that clueless or fucking with us. Multiple times he literally stood there peeing on himself all like, "What? I don't know what you're talking about" as pee streamed down his leg, forming a puddle at his feet right after getting up from the potty because he didn't have to pee.

Literally. And so many times.

Then not too long after his fourth birthday he began to feel the Bern pee. Usually we'd be standing in line at the grocery store or Target when he began to guffaw and declare for all to hear, "MOM! I AM PEEING! RIGHT NOW! I AM PEEING!"

Chistoso as it was, people don't assume your 4 year old is wearing a Pull Up, so...awkward.

Soon after things looked good and we were finally on our way!

Then this happened. Three steps forward, a bazillion back. You cannot use the potty in a spica cast when your mom is literally 9 months pregnant.

Cast came off, baby sister took his baby spot in the family, and we waited for him to resume wanting to wear awesome underpants.

HahahahahaNO.

At four and more than a half we started all over because holy shit kindergarten is coming. And it was instant success!

Except now, even months later, I am left trying to convince an almost five year old (and not a two or three year old) every damn day that you have to change your underpants even if! you think they are not dirty. We've all made a big deal of our underpants changes. We try to reason, why have so many pairs if you really only need one or two?

(And unfortunately we can't bathe him every day and do it then because his eczema will raaaaaaaage.)

Callum ain't buying, and since it's usually me making the argument as we get dressed for the day he's decided changing clean yet day old underpants is some Mars vs. Venus bullshit invented by his bat shit crazy woman-mother.

But there will be no literal shit in his underpants come August. So, you win some, you lose some.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Callum on What to Wear



Callum sifting through his t-shirts this morning, "I...need...umm...a cape shirt. Oh! Here is one!"

It's a giant pet peeve of mine to hear that boys aren't as fun to dress as girls. Because BULLSHIT.

Super hero capes! Halloween costumes with fake muscles! (And I had more when I wrote this in my head but 4 hours of interrupted sleep last night!)


Thursday, April 07, 2016

Olive the Prepper

I opened, to a random page, the book my delicate 7 year old flower picked out at the school book fair, limit $10.

Tuesday, April 05, 2016

On Moms

G, telling us about his day...

"So I said, 'Whatcha doing?' and he said, 'Your mom!'"
Hysterical, pee-in-your-pants laughter from my husband and teenage son.
Me, The Mom: "But is it really funny when it's your mom?"
Jason: "Yes it is!"

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Remembering Nana

When my Dad first got a digital camera he had this totally annoying habit of pointing it at people and just letting it run, something you definitely can't appreciate in the moment, and cherish once it's too late.

Today my mom is six years gone.

Video from Olive's birth, April 16, 2008. Going to Baby Gap? So very my mom, exactly the way I love to remember her.

Monday, March 28, 2016

Stop "fixing" the Rubik's Cube

Callum's just the narc, Cracker is the fixer.

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Baby Grand















Holy crap, we did it. We bought a piano!

Thursday, March 17, 2016

The Culinary Preferences of Sir Mister Wuffles

Mr. Wuffles has no interest in meat, but always be up in my bran muffins, except that time we ran out of cat food so I gave him a muffin.

Legal bran muffin? Eff that.

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Violet's Date Night

Dinner for the parents at our favorite little neighborhood Italian bistro, followed by a spin through Bed, Bath & Beyond to feel all the bath mats and towels. Sensorylicious!

Monday, March 14, 2016

Callum on Coffee

My first born won't drink anything but water, fat free cow's milk, Gatorade, and hot chocolate. No carbonation, no tea or coffee, never ever. Not even Yoda Soda.

My second born isn't a fan of carbonation either, but digs herbal tea.

My third born begs, "But I love the coffee black!" because his stupid mother once let him try a sample, straight black, at Trader Joe's thinking he'd hate it like the children before him did.

Fail. And no more coffee for you.

Monday, February 29, 2016

RIP Flower the Hamster

Week One:
Heidi grabs a tissue from a box on Jason's desk.
"NOOOO!"
"What?"
"That's the box with the dead hamster."
Silence.
"Those tissues are covering the dead hamster."
That is not the first time Heidi had used one of those tissues.

Week Two, All the Days:
What is that rotting smell?

Week Three:
Omg, he still hasn't buried the freaking hamster.

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Callum Sings

Clearing his brunch dishes:
At the top of his lungs, "Ice ice baby!"
Changing to a whisper, "Too cold! Too cold!"

Friday, January 29, 2016

Wuffles the Great

We weren't sure we'd ever get another cat. It took 7 months to find the right one. And while he/she drives me crazy on a daily basis, this is how Callum plays him/her on a daily basis. Callum is singing "Rock a Bye Baby" while violently rolling him/her back and forth, and he/she does not give any fucks.

It's been 13 straight months of love, so yeah, he/she's a keeper.

(Confused about Mr. Wuffle's gender? So are we. That story another day.)

Monday, January 04, 2016

Olive and the Appliance

Meet Olive.
Olive sucks her thumb.
Olive's dentist has an appliance for that.
It costs $800 and works in 30 days!
Olive's mother was dubious, at best, but insurance would pay half.
Olive's mother said, "But we leave it on longer."
Because Olive has superpowers.
Olive's dentist assured Olive's mother that 30 days is almost always enough time.
Olive and her entourage drove to the very far away dentist many, many times for fittings, second fittings, spacers, more spacers, impressions, installation, and adjustments.
Olive defeated the appliance within 24 hours. Twice.
Olive's dentist is embarrassed. He's done over a thousand of these and she is only the third to find a workaround.
Olive's mother is not surprised.
After more fittings and spacers and impressions Olive's third appliance did not fit because she grew a molar.
New impressions, fourth appliance to be made and overnighted at dentist's insistence before her superpowers do their super thing.
Olive's mother is embarrassed, but grateful for guarantees.

Month: Five. Visits: 8 or 9? Adults:0, Olive: All the points.

Saturday, January 02, 2016

Callum in Beauty Face

Oh my Callum, what beautiful alabaster skin you have! It's like you got a hold of my phone and found some bullshit airbrushing feature.

Friday, December 25, 2015

Christmas Memories with Callum

Callum, being a big boy, peed himself but took care of business, telling no one.

Olive found him in their bathroom, emptying out the linen closet of hand towels one by one, wiping pee off his legs and replacing the towels still perfectly folded.

Thank you, sweet baby Jesus, for a three bathroom house.

Friday, December 18, 2015

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Violet vs the Stocking

She *almost* fits inside.
















Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Callum on Birthdays

"Is it my birthday today?"
"No kiddo, it's still a long time off."
"How long?"
"Well, first we will have Thanksgiving, then Pappy's birthday, then Mommy's birthday, and Christmas, and Daddy's birthday, and Grandma's birthday, and Graeme's birthday, and Olive's birthday, and then your birthday in May."
"That's okay, we will go backwards."

Friday, November 13, 2015

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Whatcha reading, Olive?

"Plants vs Zombies: Official Guide to Protecting Your Brains"