Sunday, April 08, 2018

Toddler Property Law

Violet, as she steals everybody's stuff: "IT'S MINE! I GOT IT FOR KWISSMISS!"
(Yeah, it's not hers, and it wasn't a Christmas gift, either.)

Thursday, March 15, 2018

Violet v2.5

What's for lunch? Tuna.
"Please remember your manners. Alright, here's your (tuna) sandwich."
Eats tuna, discards bread, demands more tuna, by name.
Consumes 6 total helpings, freaks out when the can is gone. Demands cheese, puts it on top of bread, freaks out because it's now "dirty!" with bread crumbs.
Quickly works to redeem herself by calling her fingers "pingers."

Oh, two, you are an awesome beast.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Good Night, Sweet Violet

Every night once she's done nursing she stands up in my lap, grabs my face with her little hands, and brings us in, nose to nose. And then she slowly whispers whatever happens to be on her mind.

Tonight it was "I the beach...and eat cookies."

Violet hasn't been to the beach since December despite asking every day, and that's a problem.

Tuesday, March 06, 2018

My Better Half

Me: "I kinda wanted to kill the kids."
Him: "That's cool. I bet I'd get a day work off if you did."
Then we laaaaaaaughed.
(No kids were harmed.)

Thursday, March 01, 2018


I'm trying to nail down a snack G can take with him to Costa Rica and will actually eat, since everything he took to DC last year came back uneaten.

"I just want bags of tortillas."


Friday, February 23, 2018

We're Gonna Need More Pizza

Callum to roofers: Hi guys! We brought pizza!

(Not for roofers, for us, for dinner.)

Thursday, February 22, 2018

Tiny Teeth, Big Dreams

"I got the BIGGEST bag so the tooth fairy can fill it with lots of money!"

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty, Little Cup of Tea

Barista: Oh, and we also have a Lavender Earl Grey.

Friday, February 02, 2018

Growing Old, Together

Me: Can you pluck that weird hair for me? I can't reach it.
Him: Where?
Me: There!
Him: I don't see anything.
Me: Right there!
Him: Honey, you know I can't see things up close anymore.

Thursday, February 01, 2018

Olive Writes II

We really need to start reading her weekly writing assignments.

An excerpt from What My House Says About Me:
"Earl Grey, my cat, loves my bed. His tail is super short, and sometimes when he goes to the litterbox he doesn't get 100% clean. Some of it ends in the box and some sticks to his tail. Then he goes to sit on my face while I'm napping. Yes, my morning face is probably worse than yours."

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Violet on Giraffes and Dinosaurs

A giraffe IS SO BIG! with a LONG NECK! like a dinosaur, so it is a dinosaur.


Callum and the Schedule

Me: You start I Love Literacy again today.

Callum: You mean I have Cooking after school today.

Me: No, Cooking is on Thursdays. Today is Tuesday, and on Tuesdays you go to I Love Literacy.

Callum: I will go to Cooking instead.

Me: No.

Callum: Then I will go to Spanish.

Me: No.

(What he will actually do is go to the office and pretend he doesn't know where he's supposed to be in hopes of a better answer.)

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Stocking Scrabble

Dear Target,

If you could you please try to have a wider variety of letters next time that would be great.

H & G

PS His mom made him do it.

Monday, November 20, 2017

Turkey Travels with Violet

Late night road tripping from the perspective of someone who is usually in bed by 6:30 year-round:
"Is gark! I can't see me!"

Friday, November 17, 2017


Many years ago my mom bought me a KitchenAid stand mixer because she wanted me to have one, and I was really excited because it felt like adulting. Then she died. Every time I thought about using it my grief was too heavy to get it out of the box, read the instructions, and figure out which beater to use.

Last year I bought a pricey attachment and vowed to start using it. It didn't work.

Today I tackled the mixer.

Thank you, Mom.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Olive Writes

Olive's general ed teacher will not accept her papers if they include murder, dead bodies, zombies, or things rotting in the sewer. There have been many, many tears over the unfairness of it all.

(It's all funny until a note gets sent home.)
(Or that time we got called out at curriculum night in front of all the other parents.)

Left open on my desktop:

"I would like to study the ocean because I think it is amazing that the ocean takes up about seventy percent of the earth. I always go to the beach for summer vacation, and I can see a long way into the ocean. I always wonder what is happening out there. Plus, all those tittle jellyfish that wash up on the beach dead breaks my heart. Okay, not really."

"I love to dissect things because when their insides spill out, you can really see the disgusting, smelly, dead, part of every animal. I have cut open a cow eyeball, and a small squid. Believe me, their ink pouches are squishy, stinky, and pleasing to, well, pretty much nobody but me."

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Counting Callum

Callum, still our number-lover, decided to write out all the numbers from 1 to 1000.

Monday, October 30, 2017

Skeletons in Love

"This is the skeleton I made in Spanish. It is in love with Shayleigh's skeleton."

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Callum on Black People

Dear Random Really Dark-skinned Strangers in the Park,

It's not what you think.

Loudly, "I DON'T HAVE ANY BLACK FRIENDS!" Then whispering, "Except Shayleigh. I'm going to marry her."

Thursday, October 05, 2017

Young Love and Spiderwebs

"Shayleigh and me are playing spiderweb! She is the spider, and I am her fly."

Monday, October 02, 2017

Violet has the feels

"I love...choose!"
Momma? No. Shoes.

Callum on Living With Assholes Who Touch His Stuff

Have a happy day.

Sunday, October 01, 2017

Where the Remotes Were

Violet finally revealed where all the remotes have been hiding for a month now: in the tank of her toilet. And to think I was feeling bitter because it's Sunday, everyone's home, and I still don't get to go to the bathroom by myself.

Thursday, September 07, 2017

Callum on What the Actual Fuck

Callum, while opening junk mail, finds a prepaid return envelope.

So disgusted, flipping it over to check the backside, "ANOTHER ONE?! Mom, these people put an envelope inside of another envelope."

Shakes head, puts mail down, walks off.