Monday, October 23, 2006

My Mortifying Monday

(Potty Training and vibrators mentioned)

A week ago today the weather was sucky. We needed out.

A few days earlier I finally did what all parents eventually do...I banished Pull-ups from our residence. That's it! I've had it. Mommy says enough is enough!

Over the previous few months the Cracker had slowly become completely unpotty trained as we sat by and lazily did a lot of nothing about it.

"Do you want to go potty?"
"Okay Schnookems! No pressure!"

But of course the problem wasn't fixing itself, and I knew he was totally capable, understood when and how and had done it all before. This was bullshit. And so I woke up one morning with no patience and a plan. The plan went into action right then and there and when J got home that night before he could even kiss me hello I gave him the low down.

"No more Pull-ups! None! He will wear only big boy underpants, and to control the leakage he will wear tight PJ bottoms and socks at all times. Wet stuff goes in the blue bag in the bathroom. Strip him down in the tub then use the hair washing cup to rinse him down. No bath toys and he is to remain standing. Don't shame him, but don't make it fun either. After rinsing wash his lower half with soap on a wash cloth. Wash cloths are here. Then rinse and redress. The steam cleaner is ready to go in the living room. Ask him to show you the spot and then pull this to dispense cleaning solution, scrub, and then soak it back up into the machine. Any questions?"

The first few days sucked and the Cracker and I muddled through it at home. One of those beautiful afternoons as I was carrying him by the armpits at an arms length to the tub to wash pee off of him yet again a quarter sized dollop of pee got on my jeans. I immediately took them off and rubbed my legs down with baby wipes. Within hours I had a quarter sized bright red burning rash in that exact spot.

(Today, nearly two weeks and a tube of triple antibiotic ointment later, it's down to an ugly series of mini scabs. I hate having sensitive skin.)

Anyway, by Monday the Cracker was getting the hint about the potty training, so off we went back into the world.

Our exciting journey first took us to the Post Office to mail a bill and have the talk again about how amazing it is that mail goes on airplanes and random people you don't know somehow get it from point A to B. Next stop was Starbucks where I felt no shame in getting a big fat drink because I'd just repotty trained a 3.5 year old. Last was the Cracker's treat, Home Depot, to ride the tractors and lawn mowers for being such a big boy.

We'd been there about 45 minutes when we got a call from J.

"The alarm went off. One of the spare bedroom windows."


"The police were already dispatched and they'll meet you there. Whatever you do they don't want you to go inside. They have a description of your car. Go to a neighbor's."

The Cracker somehow mysteriously understood my half of the conversation and immediately asked "the police come my house? Yippie!!!"


We're home within 10 police. We hang at Crazy Neighbor's across the street because he's the only one I knew would be home. Everyone else is at work.

Another 10 minutes goes by, no police.

"Gimme your keys. I'll go check."
"No, I'm just going to wait."
"At least let me go walk the perimeter and see if anything is disturbed. Did you do that?"
"No. I wasn't going to leave the Cracker alone."

So I finally give my neighbor the keys to the side gate, he walks around, pronounces that everything looks in order.

"Okay then. Thanks!"
"Just let me go in your house."
"No, I'll just wait."
"Why not?"
"My house is messy." Half-lie.
"I don't care."
"Why not???"

And he won't stop bugging me.

"Why?" OMG shut up!
"Fine, I'll tell you! I will tell you, but I won't let you see! My hot pink vibrator is sitting prominently displayed on the nightstand! Happy?! I am embarrassed enough that perfect strangers are going to see it, but I'm not letting you go in."
Insane amounts of laughter. Dying here.
"Okay, okay! I understand!"
More laughter.
"Maybe the cops won't even see it when the go in."
"Yeah, I think not."
"Really, maybe they won't notice."
"Believe me, they will."
"Does it have a name?"
I hate you.

Police arrive: three younger than me officers. They tell me all about the procedure, tell me they will check all closets and hiding spaces and then let me know when it's all clear. Then they make a big deal about going in, weapons drawn. Creepy neighbor continues the teasing.

Cops are inside forever.

When they finally come out they are all smirking and not a one will look at me, they all are grinning at the ground.

"Dude! They SO saw it! Did you see their faces? Did you? Bahahaha!"

Thank you, yes, I saw.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Tell me please that no one is buying this

You gotta love unsolicited junk mail, especially the catalogues.

From Lilly's Kids: Vending Machine doubles as bank!
"Fill the 6 clear compartments with any fun-sized candies and treats. Ages 3 and up."

All I can say is that online the description is a little less offensive.
But in going online to get you a picture I learned that IT'S ON BACKORDER.

And right under it in the catalogue:

(I think I'll skip the social commentary on my initial reaction of this particular mailorder company.)

By Request: Pumpkin Update

So here we are, a mere two weeks away from Halloween. My pumpkins are (TA DA!) still yellow.

Looks like the grand total is going to be three pumpkins, none of which are the result of my early morning escapades. The mid-September hail damage destroyed all but one of the little ones and the bugs had a field day. The pesticide worked on the worms, but then I got the creepiest little black and red stripped buggers everywhere, and round two and three of pesticide did nothing. On the plus side, for the last month my little patch has millions of ladybugs, which is providing some entertainment in that whatever those red and black guys are, the ladybugs eat off all the fleshy parts and leave the rest.


In other I'm-attempting-to-self-landscape-my-yard-so-check-back-in-5-years-for-the-finished-product news:

My Blue Spruce is going crazy with the pinecone making. This was a bit of a surprise considering that a Dwarf Alberta Spruce that's already been through one winter here never made any. Guess I need to study up on evergreens. (I wish I had a better picture, but I'm still learning how to use the new digital camera. It's not going well.) Now we'll get to do some pinecone art. Sweet!

Fall never came to LLL this year. Instead we went from 80 degrees one day to super evil wind and a high of 50 something the next week with a little flooding on the side. There were maybe two nice weeks during which I got a little more border up while J was camping with a friend but that was it. So much for my plans of getting a lot done outside during my favorite season.

Oddly enough, my heat loving tomatoes that I planted in August are still going crazy. I have at least a couple dozen that should be ready in the next week. Huh? And the peppers are finally taking off. Okay...did I miss something? We had a freeze last night and I'm pretty sure it wasn't the first. (My annuals certainly are not taking it well.)

Happy Fall!

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Attention Stroller Queens!

I was at Costco today buying wipes when I spotted a Maclaren Techno XT for $177. Holy crap. I always wanted one, but at $300+ at the time I was actually looking I ended up with a less expensive Mac. It was a really nice color too, something I totally would have picked. And adjustable handles! Okay, even though J is tall, he's been fine with our Mac and we never needed adjustable handles. But how cool is that? And I have a friend who bought herself one for that very reason.

I am so sad.

Then I went online to drool over it again even though I have no use for it and saw that they have a bunch of really cool rides online. A variety! of Pegs, Zoopers, Iglesinas (always wanted one of those too!) They've got travel systems, lightweight, heavy full size crap (hello...why do people buy these?) and even a Maclaren Rally Twin! And of course lots o joggers, which is what I usually saw at Costco online when I was still trying to become a Queen.

(Oh, and the Techno was $230 online. Thinking that was the shipping. Colors are different too. The one in store was the prettiest blue.)

Not all were fantastic prices based on my nearly 2-4 year ago knowledge, but I'm pretty sure that Techno was. (FWIW I think it was a 2006. Yes, did you know that the nice brands have model years like cars? Uh huh. And of course you get a better deal if you buy the previous year's model? Uh huh.) Close to 2 years ago I got a great jogger there for $99 that ran $300+ even at the cheap places online. A few I looked at were only $20-50 off Albeebaby and BRU but Costco was including shipping too.

AND they had a Britax Marathon (two colors) online but no price. In my experience it's means Out-of-Stock to be replenished soon.

I heart Costco.

And we totally scored a little something at Costco today that my parents want to give the Cracker for Christmas, which just reminded me that I have to get it out of the car and hide it before he wakes up.

I'd promise more posts later tonight, but it's Grey's night (aka my porn) and I have parent duty at preschool tomorrow bright and early. I certainly have lots to say (think vent) but it's been too hetic to blog lately. I promise I'll be back soon! (Maybe even this afternoon if I can get the Costco score into the attic w/o killing myself. That's doubtful though.)