Thursday, November 30, 2017

Stocking Scrabble

Dear Target,

If you could you please try to have a wider variety of letters next time that would be great.

H & G

PS His mom made him do it.

Monday, November 20, 2017

Turkey Travels with Violet

Late night road tripping from the perspective of someone who is usually in bed by 6:30 year-round:
"Is gark! I can't see me!"

Friday, November 17, 2017


Many years ago my mom bought me a KitchenAid stand mixer because she wanted me to have one, and I was really excited because it felt like adulting. Then she died. Every time I thought about using it my grief was too heavy to get it out of the box, read the instructions, and figure out which beater to use.

Last year I bought a pricey attachment and vowed to start using it. It didn't work.

Today I tackled the mixer.

Thank you, Mom.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Olive Writes

Olive's general ed teacher will not accept her papers if they include murder, dead bodies, zombies, or things rotting in the sewer. There have been many, many tears over the unfairness of it all.

(It's all funny until a note gets sent home.)
(Or that time we got called out at curriculum night in front of all the other parents.)

Left open on my desktop:

"I would like to study the ocean because I think it is amazing that the ocean takes up about seventy percent of the earth. I always go to the beach for summer vacation, and I can see a long way into the ocean. I always wonder what is happening out there. Plus, all those tittle jellyfish that wash up on the beach dead breaks my heart. Okay, not really."

"I love to dissect things because when their insides spill out, you can really see the disgusting, smelly, dead, part of every animal. I have cut open a cow eyeball, and a small squid. Believe me, their ink pouches are squishy, stinky, and pleasing to, well, pretty much nobody but me."

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Counting Callum

Callum, still our number-lover, decided to write out all the numbers from 1 to 1000.

Monday, October 30, 2017

Skeletons in Love

"This is the skeleton I made in Spanish. It is in love with Shayleigh's skeleton."

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Callum on Black People

Dear Random Really Dark-skinned Strangers in the Park,

It's not what you think.

Loudly, "I DON'T HAVE ANY BLACK FRIENDS!" Then whispering, "Except Shayleigh. I'm going to marry her."

Thursday, October 05, 2017

Young Love and Spiderwebs

"Shayleigh and me are playing spiderweb! She is the spider, and I am her fly."

Monday, October 02, 2017

Violet has the feels

"I love...choose!"
Momma? No. Shoes.

Callum on Living With Assholes Who Touch His Stuff

Have a happy day.

Sunday, October 01, 2017

Where the Remotes Were

Violet finally revealed where all the remotes have been hiding for a month now: in the tank of her toilet. And to think I was feeling bitter because it's Sunday, everyone's home, and I still don't get to go to the bathroom by myself.

Thursday, September 07, 2017

Callum on What the Actual Fuck

Callum, while opening junk mail, finds a prepaid return envelope.

So disgusted, flipping it over to check the backside, "ANOTHER ONE?! Mom, these people put an envelope inside of another envelope."

Shakes head, puts mail down, walks off.

Wednesday, September 06, 2017

That's So Anime

The Cracker intensely dislikes anime and manga. The fact that his peers find it sexy is traumatic.

Also "Ugh, that's so anime!" is Cyndi Lauper's Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.

(He still loves hair bands.)

Tuesday, September 05, 2017

The Service Here Sucks

"MOM! MOM! MOM! Buy It wants yogurts wif mam-bo-la, mom. MOM!"
Hop to it, mom. Violet wants yogurt with granola, like yesterday. Move faster, would ya?

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Grandmothers and Daughters

On September 4th Violet will the exact age Olive was the day my mom died, seventeen days shy of her second birthday. Having Olive at such a magical age during that process was such a blessing, and distraction. And as I watch Jason navigate through his own mother's diagnosis now with Violet at the same delightful age, I am even more grateful for this little girl who completed our family.

Also, feeling like my own experience here is not as helpful as I would have hoped. Today adulting sucks.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Leveling Up

I broke a virtual Target cart.

Poor, Confused Nature

There is a sad little hummingbird in our yard that keeps trying to drink nectar from Costco string lights.

Friday, July 07, 2017

Violet on Reno

Violet, 21 months, as we drive through downtown Reno, "Wow. Why light on?"

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Solved! The Case of the Missing Library Videos

Violet had put a surprising number of DVDs in the living room VCR.

(Yes, it's 2017, and we have more than one VCR.)

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Olive and the IEP

For her upcoming Gifted IEP Olive was asked the consider the following:

What do you see for your future?
"Dead things."

What strengths do you have?
"Reading for long periods of time without blinking. Playing dead."

What weaknesses do you have?
"Cute things. Being annoying when I'm not supposed to." (Evil grin.)

What are some hobbies or areas of interest?
"Yelling, screaming..."

So can I respond, "Olive is good at being an ass"?

Sunday, May 07, 2017

Popsicles vs. Placentas

Popsicles were on crazy sale if you bought four boxes, which I can, because I live in a family of locusts, and global warming is real.

When I got home only one would fit in the our jammed freezer. I have a second fridge/freezer at my dad's house a mile away, but I was far too drained.

"Hey, would you say a placenta is about the size of a box of popsicles?"
As luck would have it we have three placentas, the oldest of which is now...omg 9, that Jason has yet to bury.

Out came the medical waste, and in went the popsicles, because that's how I get shit done.

(A box is the same size as a placenta, like exactly.)

So then we defrosted them. One leaked blood all over Jason's phone that happened to be sharing the same counter space. He acted all wtf, but I know he loves a good drinking story, and now he has one.

You're welcome, Jason!

No need to guess, they were all labeled inside. SO FUCKING COOL. I was not expecting the amniotic sacs to be attached, complete, and in such perfect shape, but they were! So stretchy, and translucent! Also, perfect umbilical cords! The 19 month old one was seriously fresh, the 6 and 9 year old ones only slightly less so.

I wish I'd refrozen Violet's to share with the kids again a down the road, but not enough to go dig it up. Yet. Poor baby will not remember seeing hers or get to poke it in all it's very bloody glory. But, yay pictures!

Friday, May 05, 2017

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Kindergarten Goals

"Mom, if I keep my body parts in my pants for the rest of the week I get to feed the principal's lizard! It eats worms!"


Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Guy Funny

Yesterday Callum got in trouble at school, again, for showing off his penis.

Then first thing this morning he and his friends were caught playing grab ass and junk, where as the teacher explained it to me, you approach from the side so you can grab both ends of your friend at once and squeeze. No one is feeling the bad touch vibe, it's all hysterically funny amongst (male) friends. After a stern warning they did it some more in the afternoon.

I'm explaining this to Jason, my nerdy, somewhat reserved around most people husband, and over the phone I can hear muffled laughter.

"It's so funny!"

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Violet, 18 Months

Finishing up her last mouthful of meatball, "Violet, would you like a strawberry?"

Ever so slowly she spits out dozens of little pieces of meatball from her overstuffed mouth, waterfall style.


Friday, March 03, 2017

Violet Plays the Piano

Beware your ears and the little girl squeals.

Violet on the suck

Violet likes dolls. Specifically, she'd like to suck their thumbs.

So far she has found it unsatisfying, but like a real trooper, has not given up hope.

And if she is in the doll aisle at Target and her momma won't let her suck on doll thumbs, she will instead try to nurse on Baby Stella's shampoo bottle:


Wednesday, March 01, 2017

Violet at 17 Months

The developmental assessor freaked out at Violet's puzzle skills. Apparently she is scoring in the 24-36 month range.
"Do you do a lot of puzzles with her?"
No, not really, unless her attempting to join a game of Blokus or Q-Bitz counts.

When confronted with a doll she tried to suck it's thumb. Then she tried to climb into our Little People airplane for the millionith time that day and make us read books with cats on the cover. She is absolutely able to stack blocks but her need to immediately sending them crashing makes it hard to evaluate in a timely manner. When asked (dozens of times) to find a hidden object in one of two cups she insists on lifting both cups at once, every damn time. She is a master with a spoon and doesn't even need a bib, but insists on eating yogurt with her fingers until she's shivering. And while her hands are a mess, there won't be a single drip on her clothing.

Today she picked out her own outfit, down to the shoes.

Violet, you complete us.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

Growing Graeme

On December 6, 2016 Graeme was looking tall so we updated our growth wall chart. Two plus inches taller than mom and growing.

On January 27, 2017 grandpa, who sees him all the time said, "I swear he's grown recently!" To the wall! He had grown a full half inch since December 6th.

On February 11, 2017 Jason said, "Jesus shit, you're almost as tall as I am!" To the wall! He had grown a half inch more.

He is 13.

Friday, February 10, 2017

Callum and Shayleigh Sitting in a Tree

He met her in an after school class. She is a first grader. The feeling is mutal according to Olive, who is good friends with her Shayleigh's cousin.

All aquiver, "Mom, I love her! I love her soooo much!"

Oh boy.

Friday, January 27, 2017

Go Ahead and Stroke My Ego II

At Callum's IEP we learned they call him "The Human Calculator." The kid's spatial skills have always been off the charts. Gifted testing is in his future.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Graeme on 90s Technology

Watching Will and Grace over Jason's shoulder, "Omg, she has my phone!"

Then we all laughed, because she totally did.

Dumb phones rule.