How was school today, Olive?

"Ugh. The boys wouldn't stop playing the theme song from Porn Hub on repeat."

Pay teachers MORE.

City Girl

(Shopping Costco in Colorado in a more rural area)

Olive, leaning in to whisper: "Eight."
Me: "Eight? Eight what?"
Olive: "Eight grown ass men wearing overalls."

Olive & the Tooth Fairy

O: "I need some money." Starts checking her teeth. "Oh, yes! I think this one might be loose. Wait, maybe not. I can't tell."
Returns three minutes later covered in blood. So much blood.
O: "Money, please!"

A month later...
O: "Can I skip school today?"
H: "No."
O: "Can I go to the nurse's office fake sick?"
H: "No. There are germs there, and Brooke and Rusty are coming. Do not do that."
O: "If I lose a tooth I get to miss class to go to the nurse. And I get a creepy tooth necklace!"
H: "Do you have any loose teeth?"
O: "Well, no..."

Later that day...
School Nurse: "Something something Callum. Oh, and Olive was in here, too. She lost a tooth."
O: "Money, please!"

Bend it like Olive

H: "Bob and the Cat Food: A Trip to Detention. You got a 1 out of 4 on this?"
O: "Oh yeah, she did NOT like it at all."
H: "Okay, why?"
O: "We were supposed to write about a trip, like one we had taken, like literally. But I told her, I don't write nonfiction."
H: Reading, "Or maybe it's the part where Bob blows up the school?"
O: "No, I'm sure she was fine with that."

She calls herself Evil-O-Live

Age 10.5

O: "Cole is so annoying! (Growls.) He always wants me to proofread his grammar. (Dramatic sigh.) He doesn't even know the difference between there, they're, and their! (Eye roll.) I've started giving him the wrong answer so he'll stop asking. (Insert evil grin.) But it hasn't worked." (Fake frown.)
H: "Ok..."
O: "Remember I killed him in my last writing assignment? He was the goldfish that disintegrated in acid and got flushed down the toilet?"
H: "Sure..."

P!nk

When you won't dance to the DJ with your mom so she finds new friends, and they dance, like no one is watching 🤣

Olive Writes II

We really need to start reading her weekly writing assignments.

An excerpt from What My House Says About Me:
"Earl Grey, my cat, loves my bed. His tail is super short, and sometimes when he goes to the litterbox he doesn't get 100% clean. Some of it ends in the box and some sticks to his tail. Then he goes to sit on my face while I'm napping. Yes, my morning face is probably worse than yours."

Popsicles vs. Placentas

Popsicles were on crazy sale if you bought four boxes, which I can, because I live in a family of locusts, and global warming is real.

When I got home only one would fit in the our jammed freezer. I have a second fridge/freezer at my dad's house a mile away, but I was far too drained.

"Hey, would you say a placenta is about the size of a box of popsicles?"
As luck would have it we have three placentas, the oldest of which is now...omg 9, that Jason has yet to bury.

Out came the medical waste, and in went the popsicles, because that's how I get shit done.

(A box is the same size as a placenta, like exactly.)

So then we defrosted them. One leaked blood all over Jason's phone that happened to be sharing the same counter space. He acted all wtf, but I know he loves a good drinking story, and now he has one.

You're welcome, Jason!

No need to guess, they were all labeled inside. SO FUCKING COOL. I was not expecting the amniotic sacs to be attached, complete, and in such perfect shape, but they were! So stretchy, and translucent! Also, perfect umbilical cords! The 19 month old one was seriously fresh, the 6 and 9 year old ones only slightly less so.

I wish I'd refrozen Violet's to share with the kids again a down the road, but not enough to go dig it up. Yet. Poor baby will not remember seeing hers or get to poke it in all it's very bloody glory. But, yay pictures!

Olive's Christmas Poem to Her Mother

Trump is a grump, a big rump.
He lives in the city dump.
He has to triple jump to get over a sugar lump.
I think he needs a stomach pump.
He is as slump as a tree stump.

So go to your house,
Be as quiet as a mouse,
Until someone kicks him out,
Then shout: "Never again will I pout!"

The End!

I can narrow it down to two possible suspects

"OH! MY! GOD! SOMEONE UNROLLED THE TOILET PAPER, USED IT, AND ROLLED IT BACK UP!" --G

Olive Writes

Waiting for her conference to begin, Jason and I are simultaneously reading a story she's written on display in the hall, and it's gore-free normal little girl stuff. Strange.

Jason: "Oh! There she is!"
Me: "Ah, yes."

Something about stapling herself to a wall, and then it went downhill from there.

2016 Holiday Card Reject

Behold the face of an 8 year Medusa about to go trick or treating with her lame-ass family. Oh, Olive, my love.

(Jason is Nacho Libre, which, not sexy.)

My Girl

Bursting loudly into the room as I am filling out her gifted paperwork:
"OH MY GOD, MOM! I HAVE SAND IN MY BUTT CRACK! AND MY BUTT HOLE! HAHAHA IN MY HOLE!!!"

Callum Schools Olive

Callum: (I don't remember.)
Snarky Olive: Yeah, and monkeys fly...
Callum: No, they swing!

The Lashes Are Real

Someone once asked us if we'd used Latisse on infant Olive. No.

They all have them, but Olive and Violet's are the darkest.

Olive on Ice Cream

Once a year during our California trip we overindulge at Fenton's, ordering a giant mountain of ice cream. (Honestly because 4-5 scoops on a single plate is like $10 vs. $4/each separately, and this Momma is cheap.) Everyone who is old enough to express an opinion picks one scoop if they'd like, this year bringing us to 4 scoops because Jason and I share.

More years than not the whole experience has sent Olive over the edge because her ice cream touches some one else's ice cream, or the Cracker looks at her funny, or whatever. Sorry, kid, but if you can look past that there's ice cream to be had.

Older and wiser, 2016 was going well, until she ate too much. The scoops are HUGE. After two hours of crying she barfed in a parking lot an hour before dinner.

We were not close to base, and already had reservations to sit in a trolley at an Old Spaghetti Factory that Callum was really excited about. And really, she was 100% fine now. We went.

Olive was so fine, it turns out, that she ate the ice cream that comes at the end of a Spaghetti Factory meal. Me = Traumatized. Her = What? Why?

Lesson not learned. I love it when other parents talk about how well consequences work as a one-size fits all parenting strategy. Yup, now meet Olive.

New nightmare: Olive and alcohol.

Literally Olive

Me: It's going to be a long summer for both of us if you continue to treat Callum like that.
Her: The length of summer isn't going to change because of what I do or don't do.

Olive on Brothers

Driving their remote controlled cars through your hair when you're reading on the floor.

Oh dear, clueless Callum.

Olive the Prepper

I opened, to a random page, the book my delicate 7 year old flower picked out at the school book fair, limit $10.

Remembering Nana

When my Dad first got a digital camera he had this totally annoying habit of pointing it at people and just letting it run, something you definitely can't appreciate in the moment, and cherish once it's too late.

Today my mom is six years gone.

Video from Olive's birth, April 16, 2008. Going to Baby Gap? So very my mom, exactly the way I love to remember her.