Callum on Math

Always finding a way to make his school work fancy.

Olive & the Tooth Fairy

O: "I need some money." Starts checking her teeth. "Oh, yes! I think this one might be loose. Wait, maybe not. I can't tell."
Returns three minutes later covered in blood. So much blood.
O: "Money, please!"

A month later...
O: "Can I skip school today?"
H: "No."
O: "Can I go to the nurse's office fake sick?"
H: "No. There are germs there, and Brooke and Rusty are coming. Do not do that."
O: "If I lose a tooth I get to miss class to go to the nurse. And I get a creepy tooth necklace!"
H: "Do you have any loose teeth?"
O: "Well, no..."

Later that day...
School Nurse: "Something something Callum. Oh, and Olive was in here, too. She lost a tooth."
O: "Money, please!"

Bend it like Olive

H: "Bob and the Cat Food: A Trip to Detention. You got a 1 out of 4 on this?"
O: "Oh yeah, she did NOT like it at all."
H: "Okay, why?"
O: "We were supposed to write about a trip, like one we had taken, like literally. But I told her, I don't write nonfiction."
H: Reading, "Or maybe it's the part where Bob blows up the school?"
O: "No, I'm sure she was fine with that."

Callum & Brooke, BFFs

It was a drippy, foggy morning, reminiscent of my entire childhood.

C: "Surely you do not expect us to ride bikes to school in this weather."
Uh, have we met? Yeah, I do.

B's mom: "Brookie saw you guys riding this morning and said, 'Surely Callum's mom does not expect him to ride his bike to school in this weather!' I tried to explain to her that some people like that."

Little Bits O'Callum, Fall Break Style

Principal: "I get the biggest kick out of Callum! He just walked by and thanked me for 96 hours off of school!"

Callum on How to Warm Up the Parent-Teacher Conference Crowd

"I look extra handsome today because I am wearing a tie."

Tiny Teeth, Big Dreams

"I got the BIGGEST bag so the tooth fairy can fill it with lots of money!"

Olive Writes II

We really need to start reading her weekly writing assignments.

An excerpt from What My House Says About Me:
"Earl Grey, my cat, loves my bed. His tail is super short, and sometimes when he goes to the litterbox he doesn't get 100% clean. Some of it ends in the box and some sticks to his tail. Then he goes to sit on my face while I'm napping. Yes, my morning face is probably worse than yours."

Olive Writes

Olive's general ed teacher will not accept her papers if they include murder, dead bodies, zombies, or things rotting in the sewer. There have been many, many tears over the unfairness of it all.

(It's all funny until a note gets sent home.)
(Or that time we got called out at curriculum night in front of all the other parents.)

Left open on my desktop:

"I would like to study the ocean because I think it is amazing that the ocean takes up about seventy percent of the earth. I always go to the beach for summer vacation, and I can see a long way into the ocean. I always wonder what is happening out there. Plus, all those tittle jellyfish that wash up on the beach dead breaks my heart. Okay, not really."

"I love to dissect things because when their insides spill out, you can really see the disgusting, smelly, dead, part of every animal. I have cut open a cow eyeball, and a small squid. Believe me, their ink pouches are squishy, stinky, and pleasing to, well, pretty much nobody but me."

Counting Callum

Callum, still our number-lover, decided to write out all the numbers from 1 to 1000.

Dads on Grade Level

Today, sitting at middle school reception. A random dad walks in.

"Hi! I need to drop these shoes off for my daughter."
"Sure! What grade is she in?"
"Uhhh...I don't know. Seventh?"
"Seventh grade is at lunch right now, but we can get them to her after. Her name, sir?"
(Name.)
(Computer check.)
"So she's at lunch now, but she'll get them after?"
"Actually, sir, your daughter is in 8th grade, so I'll have someone take them to her now."

My kid's Dad last fall at elementary school pick-up:

"Hi, I can't find my daughter."
"What grade is she in?"
"Uhh...first? Second? Not Kindergarten."
"Do you know who her teacher is?"
"Uhh...no..."
"Do you know where she usually gets picked up?"
"In the pick-up line."
"We have two pick-up lines."
?!
"What's your daughter's name?"
"Olive."
"Oh, Olive! She's in my class! Hi, I'm Mrs. (Your Kid's Second Grade Teacher)!"
Mortified.
"Oh, don't feel bad! My husband wouldn't have known either! He's an engineer."
"I'm an engineer! I'm an engineer!"

Olive and the Appliance

Meet Olive.
Olive sucks her thumb.
Olive's dentist has an appliance for that.
It costs $800 and works in 30 days!
Olive's mother was dubious, at best, but insurance would pay half.
Olive's mother said, "But we leave it on longer."
Because Olive has superpowers.
Olive's dentist assured Olive's mother that 30 days is almost always enough time.
Olive and her entourage drove to the very far away dentist many, many times for fittings, second fittings, spacers, more spacers, impressions, installation, and adjustments.
Olive defeated the appliance within 24 hours. Twice.
Olive's dentist is embarrassed. He's done over a thousand of these and she is only the third to find a workaround.
Olive's mother is not surprised.
After more fittings and spacers and impressions Olive's third appliance did not fit because she grew a molar.
New impressions, fourth appliance to be made and overnighted at dentist's insistence before her superpowers do their super thing.
Olive's mother is embarrassed, but grateful for guarantees.

Month: Five. Visits: 8 or 9? Adults:0, Olive: All the points.

Olive's Homework

Olive on Keeping it Real

This morning as we were walking to school Olive told me an extremely detailed account about what had happened the night before when Jason had walked her and the boys to school for a planetarium event. Basically all the boys purposely left the safety of the paved trail, darting into the street, IN THE DARK, for no apparent reason, RISKING THEIR LIVES. The morons!

Weird. We had just walked that route a few hours earlier without incident.

"Actually, that's not what really happened. But if I had been writing a story that's how it would have gone."

Heidi on Why Olive's First Grade Teacher was Right About Visiting the Restroom

Olive's First Grade Teacher on Visiting the Restroom

Olive, hanging at the sink to leisurely watch herself in the mirror as she makes and blows bubbles with hand soap after flushing:

"What? A second grader taught me."

Olive on a Very Big Number

In retrospect I was likely wrong, I was so tired, but I thought I heard Olive repeatedly say Google+ when she meant googolplex. What I do know is that as I began to define Google+ I was immediately interrupted with a "Go look it up, Mom."

That's new.

Olive on Tween G

"Are hormones assholes? Because G is being one."

Touché. And timeout for language.

Olive's First Grade Teacher on Visiting the Restroom

"Gentlemen, please remember to keep your hands to yourself. LADIES! Remember: flush-wash-leave! Flush! Wash! LEAVE! No chatting, no hanging out. Do not make me have to send in a search party."

What is it?

Is it a cow?




Is it a dog?




It is a dog.




Good morning, butthole!



(Glad to see all the 50+ ladies on the school staff taking balloon butthole pictures and giggling, too.)

Olive on Grades

Absolutely devastated. "Two out of three? WHAT!? Mom, I just got my first F!"