Violet, Age 4.5

"Mom, when I grow up I want to make chocolate and control the world."

Violet, Age 4

 "Hey, mom, did you know that if we cut off our heads we can be alive for 7 minutes!? Can we try that?"

"No."

"No fair, you always say no!"

City Girl

(Shopping Costco in Colorado in a more rural area)

Olive, leaning in to whisper: "Eight."
Me: "Eight? Eight what?"
Olive: "Eight grown ass men wearing overalls."

A Tale of Two Grahams

Violet was amazed and delighted to find there is at least one other person in the world sharing her brother's name. To keep things clear she has renamed them "Our Graeme" and "Tiny Graham." Tiny Graham is also 3, bigger than her, and in the same small preschool class. Our attempts to find an alternate title for the younger Graham have fallen on no shits given 3 year old ears. Sorry, Tiny Graham, we'll keep trying.

Olive & the Tooth Fairy

O: "I need some money." Starts checking her teeth. "Oh, yes! I think this one might be loose. Wait, maybe not. I can't tell."
Returns three minutes later covered in blood. So much blood.
O: "Money, please!"

A month later...
O: "Can I skip school today?"
H: "No."
O: "Can I go to the nurse's office fake sick?"
H: "No. There are germs there, and Brooke and Rusty are coming. Do not do that."
O: "If I lose a tooth I get to miss class to go to the nurse. And I get a creepy tooth necklace!"
H: "Do you have any loose teeth?"
O: "Well, no..."

Later that day...
School Nurse: "Something something Callum. Oh, and Olive was in here, too. She lost a tooth."
O: "Money, please!"

Bend it like Olive

H: "Bob and the Cat Food: A Trip to Detention. You got a 1 out of 4 on this?"
O: "Oh yeah, she did NOT like it at all."
H: "Okay, why?"
O: "We were supposed to write about a trip, like one we had taken, like literally. But I told her, I don't write nonfiction."
H: Reading, "Or maybe it's the part where Bob blows up the school?"
O: "No, I'm sure she was fine with that."

Callum & Brooke, BFFs

It was a drippy, foggy morning, reminiscent of my entire childhood.

C: "Surely you do not expect us to ride bikes to school in this weather."
Uh, have we met? Yeah, I do.

B's mom: "Brookie saw you guys riding this morning and said, 'Surely Callum's mom does not expect him to ride his bike to school in this weather!' I tried to explain to her that some people like that."

She calls herself Evil-O-Live

Age 10.5

O: "Cole is so annoying! (Growls.) He always wants me to proofread his grammar. (Dramatic sigh.) He doesn't even know the difference between there, they're, and their! (Eye roll.) I've started giving him the wrong answer so he'll stop asking. (Insert evil grin.) But it hasn't worked." (Fake frown.)
H: "Ok..."
O: "Remember I killed him in my last writing assignment? He was the goldfish that disintegrated in acid and got flushed down the toilet?"
H: "Sure..."

Slight Misinterpretation

Peace? No. Violet loves it when the band makes "A piece-a pizza!"

Callum & the Tooth Fairy

C: "The tooth fairy didn't take my tooth last night."
H: "Awww...crap. Kiddo, I'm sorry... Here's $5. (x5 the going rate of $1, because guilt will do that.) So, you're a big boy now, and, well, honey, the tooth fairy isn't actually real. It's just parents, and we screwed up last night."
(Long pondering pause.)
C: "No, I think she got lost."
And now I feel even worse.

Callum Compliments

Awesome art exhibit, ten individual installations.
Callum, to the curator upon leaving, "You don't have a lot to do here."
And yet it kept him entertained for HOURS.

Little Bits O'Callum, Fall Break Style

Principal: "I get the biggest kick out of Callum! He just walked by and thanked me for 96 hours off of school!"

It Just Sounds Better the Way Callum Says It

Intense eye contact, super serious demeanor: "We are about to play a game that causes costumes."

Exits, little sister silently trailing along behind him.

Potty Training V, Take Three

V: Dad, I want my diapers back.

Potty Training V, Take One

G: Uh, dad? Violet just peed in the grass.
O: How do you know?
G: I watched her do it.
V: I pee in the fucking grass.

Left Behind

We banished the three big kids from the house and told them to walk to my old elementary school where we'd pick them up eventually so we could get ready in peace.
"Guys? GUYS! Where are my guys!? GUYS!!! I HAVE NO FWIENDS!"

Violet Goes to The Broad

V: "Wow, there's so many people in here..."

March for Families

H: "We are not getting arrested. No one is getting arrested. OLIVE, you will not get arrested, do you hear me?"
O: "Yeah, yeah, sure, if you say so."
G: "It's cool, mom. I'm too cute to get arrested." (Then he laughed that teenager laugh he laughs when he thinks he's the funniest thing ever.)

Callum's First Big Fat Gay Wedding

C: "Will there be dancing?"
H: "Oh, yes!"
C: "What kind of dancing?"
H: "Any kind you want."
C: "Do we all have to do the same kind of dance at the same time?"
H: "Occasionally, but most of the time it's freeform."
C: "Can I...do...my cat moves?"
H: "Yes, you absolutely should bring your cat moves."

And he did, and it was PAWESOME. (And especially well-received at a flamboyantly gay wedding.)

31 Months

My new favorite thing is Violet faking Pig Latin to fit in with the big kids.