She's One of Us Now

Us to the baby in normal every day conversation: "You have a spoon..."
Baby: "UH!"

Violet on How to Sleep Like a Baby

There were also two adults in this bed. Ow.

Calls from the Office, Part 1

Call #1, November 2nd: Biting a friend, no skin broken.

Call #2, December 2nd: Indecent exposure. Mariah was on a "rampage" ripping up everyone's art and Callum decided he'd like some of that attention. "In an effort to steal her thunder, he shouted'Hey turn off the lights for a show!'" and whipped out his penis. Later, in tears, when I asked why, "I wanted everyone to laugh at me."

Call #3, December 7th: Boys on boys under the bathroom stall door peeping. The after school lady is explaining in great detail that there was a gaggle of kinder boys and a ringleader and she won't stop nervously talking in circles. "So, what you're trying to tell me is that my kid was the ringleader?" "NO! HE'S A VICTIM!!!" and "But these kind of things happen all the time!" (And please don't try to get me fired or call my boss or threaten to sue or freak out.) "OH! Don't worry, we're cool. He exposed himself to his entire kindergarten class last week so this is nothing! I am so relieved!" After school program lady did not seem to share my great sense of relief. Oops.

It feels safe to assume there will be a part 2.

I can narrow it down to two possible suspects

"OH! MY! GOD! SOMEONE UNROLLED THE TOILET PAPER, USED IT, AND ROLLED IT BACK UP!" --G

Callum and the School Library

Five months into kindergarten and Callum still only checks out books we already own.

It's hilarious, or so I'm told, when surrounded by friends.

Weirder, we go to the city libraries more than Target and he's never once tried to do it there.

We have an entertainer on our hands.

All the Foods

Callum's favorite Thanksgiving food is "pesto," but then he drew pizza, and we actually had ham. Screw turducken and piecaken, welcome pestoizzaham.



Also:



"This bat is I eating hot dogs."

Olive Writes

Waiting for her conference to begin, Jason and I are simultaneously reading a story she's written on display in the hall, and it's gore-free normal little girl stuff. Strange.

Jason: "Oh! There she is!"
Me: "Ah, yes."

Something about stapling herself to a wall, and then it went downhill from there.

Heidi on Don't Do That

She already had the leverage bounce down, but the pictures stop because she finally found her foothold.

2016 Holiday Card Reject

Behold the face of an 8 year Medusa about to go trick or treating with her lame-ass family. Oh, Olive, my love.

(Jason is Nacho Libre, which, not sexy.)

Callum Presents

For Halloween the kindergarteners had to get up in front of the class to present their costumes. I could not get a sitter to go, so sadly I missed it. But every parent that did go has made it a point to tell me how totally awesome my kid is.

While the other kindergarteners were some combination shy/scared/mumbling at their feet/hiding behind the teacher/deer in the headlights, Callum "exploded" on to the stage, faced the audience, and in a loud, clear voice loudly declared "I'm Batman! I'm a sluper-he-o!" He went on to explain and flex his fantastic giant (fake) muscles, strike many poses, and talk about his awesome strength. He kept it lively until they eventually dragged him off the stage.

Proud Momma.

My Girl

Bursting loudly into the room as I am filling out her gifted paperwork:
"OH MY GOD, MOM! I HAVE SAND IN MY BUTT CRACK! AND MY BUTT HOLE! HAHAHA IN MY HOLE!!!"

Callum on Hobbies

"Art, and feeding myself food. Yeah."

Callum on Mexican Food and Aging

(In the men's restroom, as told to me by Jason.)

Callum was in the single stall, taking his sweet time pooping, and loudly signing, mariachi-style, "Delici-o-so! Delici-o-so!"

Then turning strangers into friends at the sink:
"Are you an old man?"
"Yes I am."
"I am not. I am five. First I was three, second I was four, and third I am five!"

Teenager

Early morning call from 8th grade:

"Mom, you need to come get me. I have an ear infection. I need medicine."
This is unexpected news since we were actually at the doctor's office last night at 5:30 pm for a physical, and knowing he'd had a little hint of a cold (which hit me and the baby hard, listen to me croak) the doc had made a big ordeal out of telling me his ears and lungs were a-okay.
"What are you feeling?" (And what drugs do you think I have to give, son?)
"Oh, you know, it's an ear infection, and it's in that ear where I ALWAYS have ear infections."
(No, I don't know that ear. You had one ear infection in the 13.5 years I have been your mother, which was back in kindergarten, so...) "I need you to describe it to me. What exactly does it feel like?" (Not gonna say pain, or pressure. You gotta come up with those on your own, kid.)
"Oh. it's definitely an ear infection. That's what it feels like."
"Did the nurse look in your ears?"
"No, but she did take my temperature and I don't have a fever. Weird, right?"
(NO. What class are you missing?)

Nurse gets on phone:

"He does not have a fever, but he tells me he is wearing glasses from third grade and I think that might be the problem. With your permission I'm going to send him back to class."
"Yes, please."

He did get glasses until 4th grade, but you know, whatever.

Also, dad found your glasses in less than 60 seconds, in the exact place I told you they'd be. You know, where you looked for 55 minutes before giving up.

Violet Lost, And Found

Shopping in the pantry with her cart and baby.

Violet on Taking Care of Momma

Dear Babes,*

Thank you so much for taking half-chewed food out of your mouth and shoving into mine, over and over again, with the happiest of smiles. It actually brings tears to my eyes, because you are so big and omg I love you to the moon and back, too. You and I are going to have so much fun together.

Love,
Momma

*Callum's name for Violet

Things I've Literally Said at Target

"I am only buying you Bandaids if you promise not to use them all on your nipples again."

#nopasties

On Venting About Teen Behavior

Lesson learned: Do not vent about typical teenage behavior to parents of younger children. The time spent trying to explain that your kid is not crazy or have emotional problems, just a whole different beast of a brain, is nearly as frustrating as the teenage behavior itself. You'll explain there are some awesome articles out there that explain it all, like Scientific American's The Amazing Teen Brain, but instead they'll just continue to judge.

Sigh.

Violet on Black Lights

I didn't think anything of it until I felt pain inflicted by tiny finger nails from the rider on my hip as she drew blood from my arm fat. She was just starting to relax again when she realized her romper was glowing and I almost didn't catch her she attempted to jump out of it. But as in every That's So Violet episode, she never once made a peep or shed a tear.

And five minutes later black lights were super funny.

Violet's First Sing Along

Mom: She blinded me with science! Do! Do!
Violet: Do! Do!

Callum on Donald Trump

With all-knowing confidence, "Donald Trump...is a duck!"

Callum on the Phone

Growing up in the era of Skype:

Giggling, "I can hear you, but I can't see you!"

Callum Schools Olive

Callum: (I don't remember.)
Snarky Olive: Yeah, and monkeys fly...
Callum: No, they swing!

Callum on Video Games

No video games? Pbft! Callum zooms around Google Earth race car-style the one and only time I let him loose on the internet.

(Me, smacking forehead.)

The Lashes Are Real

Someone once asked us if we'd used Latisse on infant Olive. No.

They all have them, but Olive and Violet's are the darkest.