She calls herself Evil-O-Live

Age 10.5

O: "Cole is so annoying! (Growls.) He always wants me to proofread his grammar. (Dramatic sigh.) He doesn't even know the difference between there, they're, and their! (Eye roll.) I've started giving him the wrong answer so he'll stop asking. (Insert evil grin.) But it hasn't worked." (Fake frown.)
H: "Ok..."
O: "Remember I killed him in my last writing assignment? He was the goldfish that disintegrated in acid and got flushed down the toilet?"
H: "Sure..."

Slight Misinterpretation

Peace? No. Violet loves it when the band makes "A piece-a pizza!"

Those Plastic Lawn Flamingos

I'll take weird things Violet has fallen asleep cuddling for $100, Alex.

Callum & the Tooth Fairy

C: "The tooth fairy didn't take my tooth last night."
H: "Awww...crap. Kiddo, I'm sorry... Here's $5. (x5 the going rate of $1, because guilt will do that.) So, you're a big boy now, and, well, honey, the tooth fairy isn't actually real. It's just parents, and we screwed up last night."
(Long pondering pause.)
C: "No, I think she got lost."
And now I feel even worse.

Callum Compliments

Awesome art exhibit, ten individual installations.
Callum, to the curator upon leaving, "You don't have a lot to do here."
And yet it kept him entertained for HOURS.

Little Bits O'Callum, Fall Break Style

Principal: "I get the biggest kick out of Callum! He just walked by and thanked me for 96 hours off of school!"

Mean Mom, Halloween Edition

"No Violet, you cannot nap with the pumpkin carving tools book."
HYS-TER-I-A.
Mom takes book and puts it away, out of sight, where she would need a stool + climbing to reach it, and then goes to work out on the other side of the house.
A good hour later, Violet is screaming bloody murder.
Mom finds her obviously just awoken from a very deep, drooly sleep, with a pumpkin carving knife slashing her cheek and all the tools piled on her pillow, book ripped into a million pieces in order to extract said tools.
Yup, that's pretty much Violet.

You Know You're 40 When

A friend dies unexpectedly, and despite your fluid body size you still have a dress so funeral ready to go that when you run into a another friend unexpectedly right after the memorial they see you and cry, "OMG Heidi! Who died?"
Or maybe it was the pearls?

RIP, Mr. Tom

It Just Sounds Better the Way Callum Says It

Intense eye contact, super serious demeanor: "We are about to play a game that causes costumes."

Exits, little sister silently trailing along behind him.

Nothing to See Here

Potty Training V, Take Three

V: Dad, I want my diapers back.

Potty Training V, Take One

G: Uh, dad? Violet just peed in the grass.
O: How do you know?
G: I watched her do it.
V: I pee in the fucking grass.

Left Behind

We banished the three big kids from the house and told them to walk to my old elementary school where we'd pick them up eventually so we could get ready in peace.
"Guys? GUYS! Where are my guys!? GUYS!!! I HAVE NO FWIENDS!"

Violet Goes to The Broad

V: "Wow, there's so many people in here..."

If you take a two year old to the Getty

you will be forced to carry her random crap.

I Love LA

Her family took her to see the Space Shuttle Endeavour and all she did was hug the trash.

March for Families

H: "We are not getting arrested. No one is getting arrested. OLIVE, you will not get arrested, do you hear me?"
O: "Yeah, yeah, sure, if you say so."
G: "It's cool, mom. I'm too cute to get arrested." (Then he laughed that teenager laugh he laughs when he thinks he's the funniest thing ever.)

Callum's First Big Fat Gay Wedding

C: "Will there be dancing?"
H: "Oh, yes!"
C: "What kind of dancing?"
H: "Any kind you want."
C: "Do we all have to do the same kind of dance at the same time?"
H: "Occasionally, but most of the time it's freeform."
C: "Can I...do...my cat moves?"
H: "Yes, you absolutely should bring your cat moves."

And he did, and it was PAWESOME. (And especially well-received at a flamboyantly gay wedding.)

P!nk

When you won't dance to the DJ with your mom so she finds new friends, and they dance, like no one is watching 🤣

Natives

As if Muir Woods wasn't already one of my favorite places to visit when I go back home, momma has made a den here two years in a row now. Apparently cherry soda is their favorite, and when they score a can they pour it out on leaves and lap it up.

(All grown up and long gone when I came back to check in on them in July.)

31 Months

My new favorite thing is Violet faking Pig Latin to fit in with the big kids.

Callum on LA

C: "That's where the Hollywood sign is, right?"
H: "Yup!"
C: "Are you going to make us hike to it? Because I don't want to."

(Nary a mention of Disney, or that famous mouse...)
(Why didn't I think of that? We should TOTALLY hike to the Hollywood sign!)

How to Make the Strangers Around You Laugh Out Loud

Me, to two year old: "Are those your best manners?"
Her: "NOPE!"

Violet Sees Through the Slats

"GUYS, WATCH OUT! BE CAREFUL! IT'S VERY BRIDGE!"

Toddler Property Law

Violet, as she steals everybody's stuff: "IT'S MINE! I GOT IT FOR KWISSMISS!"
(Yeah, it's not hers, and it wasn't a Christmas gift, either.)