Last week we celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary.
It started out like any other morning. I got out of bed first and headed straight for the bathroom to pee. Suddenly J is behind me, giving me a big sqeeze. "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY HONEY!"
Dude, I gots to pee.
"You forgot?" Big smirk.
No, I just haven't had coffee yet. And I really need to pee.
Ten minutes later...the coffee pot has mysteriously stopped working and it refuses to make coffee even though it worked perfectly yesterday. Are you friggin kidding me? I finally give up when I realize that it's going to start a fire. (There was actual melting.)
That night he came home with a card with penguins on it. Penguins are very hip in my book.
"I'd already bought it, I just forgot to write in it so I had to take it to work!"
"Okay, okay, you get points."
"Let's go to dinner!"
Ugh, I am far too lazy to drive into town. But he's so excited.
"Crap, I never got around to taking a shower today."
"You forgot! Hahaha!"
"Yeah, I forgot."
In case you haven't already figured me out I often do really stupid things and I always feel the need to share them.
The previous night my eczema was acting up. I was trying to fall asleep and exhausted enough but my skin was screaming for moisture. I had left my creams on the other side of the house, J was out of shouting range, and I really didn't want to get up. So instead of taking a 20 second walk to the other side of our not-very-big house I opted to instead just take a 2 second walk to the bathroom.
I opened the vanity. No lotion but I did see Aloe Vera Gel. (We keep it around because J gets sunburned easily.) So I grabbed it, took it back to bed, and then lathered myself up.
Wait? What's with the sticky?
Oops. Aloe Vera HAIR Gel.
When the hell did we buy that?
Since there is no time for a shower I decide to at least try to look nice. I grab a pair of high heeled boots and find a pair of skinny jeans that I know are too long for my normal frumpy shoes. Not my "skinny" jeans, but a pair of jeans that didn't fit a few months back but now probably do since I've recently lost weight.
And being tall in skinny jeans will make me feel sexy even if I'm still covered in hair gel and have been doing dirty work in the yard all day, right?
Shit. They are circa 2003 and go up to my belly button back from my just-had-a-baby days when up to your belly button jeans did seem like a good idea because they sucked in the loose belly skin. Not sexy. And the color blue is just kinda weird. Why did I ever buy these? Whatever. They do fit and everything else is dirty anyway. I just won't lift my arms and try to keep me belly jeans a secret.
Lip gloss! Maybe I can wear lip gloss! I start digging around under the sink.
"What are you doing?"
"Looking for makeup."
"You OWN makeup?"
"When did you buy makeup?"
"Well, it was when Garden Botanica was still around. Like 96 or 97? Maybe even 98. Found it!"
What the hell was I thinking in 96, 97 or 98? Even tan I am still pale, and I the only lip gloss I own is light brown? Taupe even?
Once we got home and the Cracker was in bed I finally relaxed enough to get a little in the mood.
At my suggestion we opened up iTunes to listen to our song. Yes, we have a song. And suddenly I just had to grab him and as our Itunes list of shame played on we slowed danced and even did quite a bit of necking.
So what is OUR song?
Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover (Track #1 if you care to take a little listen.)
Pretty sure it's been on every worst song countdown VH-1 has ever done. But that's why it stuck. We go around around singing it because it's makes us crack up and snot drinks out our noses.
Here's a little sample:
This bloke can't stand to see you black and blue
I give you something sweet each time you
Come inside my jungle book
It's just too good
Don't say you'll stay
'Cause then you go away
Damn! I wish I was your lover
I'll rock you till the daylight comes
Make sure you are smiling and warm
I am everything
Tonight I'll be your mother
I'll do such things to ease your pain
Free your mind and you won't feel ashamed
For me there is no other
You're the only shoe that fits
I can't imagine I'll grow out of it