Three for Three

A year ago I began taking the kids on solo trips, leaving the rest at home with Jason.

"I've got this!" he has said each time.

(Shhh! You can't say that out loud!)

I think he would agree out of all the times today was actually the easiest, least destructive, as I was only really gone a day. Two major appliances weren't broken, nor was every surface Sharpied (on two separate occasions 5 days apart) during conference calls, nor did her brother suffer a violent, peanut-allergy vomit attack in the back row of the middle school bleachers during a packed Christmas concert (and as he ran with the vomiting child across the gym floor slipped and fell in said vomit with a WHOMP!)

Trip number four takes off before the end of the month.

I love you for still letting me leave, Jason. You got this, daddy.

Callum on Math

Always finding a way to make his school work fancy.

A Tale of Two Grahams

Violet was amazed and delighted to find there is at least one other person in the world sharing her brother's name. To keep things clear she has renamed them "Our Graeme" and "Tiny Graham." Tiny Graham is also 3, bigger than her, and in the same small preschool class. Our attempts to find an alternate title for the younger Graham have fallen on no shits given 3 year old ears. Sorry, Tiny Graham, we'll keep trying.

Olive & the Tooth Fairy

O: "I need some money." Starts checking her teeth. "Oh, yes! I think this one might be loose. Wait, maybe not. I can't tell."
Returns three minutes later covered in blood. So much blood.
O: "Money, please!"

A month later...
O: "Can I skip school today?"
H: "No."
O: "Can I go to the nurse's office fake sick?"
H: "No. There are germs there, and Brooke and Rusty are coming. Do not do that."
O: "If I lose a tooth I get to miss class to go to the nurse. And I get a creepy tooth necklace!"
H: "Do you have any loose teeth?"
O: "Well, no..."

Later that day...
School Nurse: "Something something Callum. Oh, and Olive was in here, too. She lost a tooth."
O: "Money, please!"

Bend it like Olive

H: "Bob and the Cat Food: A Trip to Detention. You got a 1 out of 4 on this?"
O: "Oh yeah, she did NOT like it at all."
H: "Okay, why?"
O: "We were supposed to write about a trip, like one we had taken, like literally. But I told her, I don't write nonfiction."
H: Reading, "Or maybe it's the part where Bob blows up the school?"
O: "No, I'm sure she was fine with that."

Notorious G

I was doing the Band Booster thing and the kid of the mom stationed with me would not stop asking her to approve 15 more minutes of screen time while we finished.

"It could be worse," I said.
"Oh yeah?" He and his buddies listened in.
"So my son saved everything he could for years. The only thing he bought was a smart phone and Ottorbox case. Christmas money, birthday money, pet sitting, and snow shoveling money... Anyway, after 4 years he finally bought his dream road bike this summer."
"And he crashed it!"
"Nope, worse. After he spent all his money on that bike he broke his smart phone and his mom wouldn't buy him a new one."
Chorus: "YOU'RE FLIP-PHONE GRAEME'S MOM!"
Indeed, I am.

Callum & Brooke, BFFs

It was a drippy, foggy morning, reminiscent of my entire childhood.

C: "Surely you do not expect us to ride bikes to school in this weather."
Uh, have we met? Yeah, I do.

B's mom: "Brookie saw you guys riding this morning and said, 'Surely Callum's mom does not expect him to ride his bike to school in this weather!' I tried to explain to her that some people like that."

She calls herself Evil-O-Live

Age 10.5

O: "Cole is so annoying! (Growls.) He always wants me to proofread his grammar. (Dramatic sigh.) He doesn't even know the difference between there, they're, and their! (Eye roll.) I've started giving him the wrong answer so he'll stop asking. (Insert evil grin.) But it hasn't worked." (Fake frown.)
H: "Ok..."
O: "Remember I killed him in my last writing assignment? He was the goldfish that disintegrated in acid and got flushed down the toilet?"
H: "Sure..."

Slight Misinterpretation

Peace? No. Violet loves it when the band makes "A piece-a pizza!"

Those Plastic Lawn Flamingos

I'll take weird things Violet has fallen asleep cuddling for $100, Alex.

Callum & the Tooth Fairy

C: "The tooth fairy didn't take my tooth last night."
H: "Awww...crap. Kiddo, I'm sorry... Here's $5. (x5 the going rate of $1, because guilt will do that.) So, you're a big boy now, and, well, honey, the tooth fairy isn't actually real. It's just parents, and we screwed up last night."
(Long pondering pause.)
C: "No, I think she got lost."
And now I feel even worse.

Callum Compliments

Awesome art exhibit, ten individual installations.
Callum, to the curator upon leaving, "You don't have a lot to do here."
And yet it kept him entertained for HOURS.

Little Bits O'Callum, Fall Break Style

Principal: "I get the biggest kick out of Callum! He just walked by and thanked me for 96 hours off of school!"

Mean Mom, Halloween Edition

"No Violet, you cannot nap with the pumpkin carving tools book."
HYS-TER-I-A.
Mom takes book and puts it away, out of sight, where she would need a stool + climbing to reach it, and then goes to work out on the other side of the house.
A good hour later, Violet is screaming bloody murder.
Mom finds her obviously just awoken from a very deep, drooly sleep, with a pumpkin carving knife slashing her cheek and all the tools piled on her pillow, book ripped into a million pieces in order to extract said tools.
Yup, that's pretty much Violet.

You Know You're 40 When

A friend dies unexpectedly, and despite your fluid body size you still have a dress so funeral ready to go that when you run into a another friend unexpectedly right after the memorial they see you and cry, "OMG Heidi! Who died?"
Or maybe it was the pearls?

RIP, Mr. Tom

It Just Sounds Better the Way Callum Says It

Intense eye contact, super serious demeanor: "We are about to play a game that causes costumes."

Exits, little sister silently trailing along behind him.

Nothing to See Here

Potty Training V, Take Three

V: Dad, I want my diapers back.

Potty Training V, Take One

G: Uh, dad? Violet just peed in the grass.
O: How do you know?
G: I watched her do it.
V: I pee in the fucking grass.

Left Behind

We banished the three big kids from the house and told them to walk to my old elementary school where we'd pick them up eventually so we could get ready in peace.
"Guys? GUYS! Where are my guys!? GUYS!!! I HAVE NO FWIENDS!"

Violet Goes to The Broad

V: "Wow, there's so many people in here..."

If you take a two year old to the Getty

you will be forced to carry her random crap.

I Love LA

Her family took her to see the Space Shuttle Endeavour and all she did was hug the trash.

March for Families

H: "We are not getting arrested. No one is getting arrested. OLIVE, you will not get arrested, do you hear me?"
O: "Yeah, yeah, sure, if you say so."
G: "It's cool, mom. I'm too cute to get arrested." (Then he laughed that teenager laugh he laughs when he thinks he's the funniest thing ever.)

Callum's First Big Fat Gay Wedding

C: "Will there be dancing?"
H: "Oh, yes!"
C: "What kind of dancing?"
H: "Any kind you want."
C: "Do we all have to do the same kind of dance at the same time?"
H: "Occasionally, but most of the time it's freeform."
C: "Can I...do...my cat moves?"
H: "Yes, you absolutely should bring your cat moves."

And he did, and it was PAWESOME. (And especially well-received at a flamboyantly gay wedding.)

P!nk

When you won't dance to the DJ with your mom so she finds new friends, and they dance, like no one is watching 🤣

Natives

As if Muir Woods wasn't already one of my favorite places to visit when I go back home, momma has made a den here two years in a row now. Apparently cherry soda is their favorite, and when they score a can they pour it out on leaves and lap it up.

(All grown up and long gone when I came back to check in on them in July.)

31 Months

My new favorite thing is Violet faking Pig Latin to fit in with the big kids.

Callum on LA

C: "That's where the Hollywood sign is, right?"
H: "Yup!"
C: "Are you going to make us hike to it? Because I don't want to."

(Nary a mention of Disney, or that famous mouse...)
(Why didn't I think of that? We should TOTALLY hike to the Hollywood sign!)

How to Make the Strangers Around You Laugh Out Loud

Me, to two year old: "Are those your best manners?"
Her: "NOPE!"

Violet Sees Through the Slats

"GUYS, WATCH OUT! BE CAREFUL! IT'S VERY BRIDGE!"

Toddler Property Law

Violet, as she steals everybody's stuff: "IT'S MINE! I GOT IT FOR KWISSMISS!"
(Yeah, it's not hers, and it wasn't a Christmas gift, either.)

Violet v2.5

What's for lunch? Tuna.
"I DON'T WANT TUNA! I WANT SAMWICHES!"
"Please remember your manners. Alright, here's your (tuna) sandwich."
Eats tuna, discards bread, demands more tuna, by name.
Consumes 6 total helpings, freaks out when the can is gone. Demands cheese, puts it on top of bread, freaks out because it's now "dirty!" with bread crumbs.
Quickly works to redeem herself by calling her fingers "pingers."

Oh, two, you are an awesome beast.

Good Night, Sweet Violet

Every night once she's done nursing she stands up in my lap, grabs my face with her little hands, and brings us in, nose to nose. And then she slowly whispers whatever happens to be on her mind.

Tonight it was "I want...to...go...to the beach...and eat cookies."

Violet hasn't been to the beach since December despite asking every day, and that's a problem.

Callum on How to Warm Up the Parent-Teacher Conference Crowd

"I look extra handsome today because I am wearing a tie."

My Better Half

Me: "I kinda wanted to kill the kids."
Him: "That's cool. I bet I'd get a day work off if you did."
Then we laaaaaaaughed.
(No kids were harmed.)

Native

I'm trying to nail down a snack G can take with him to Costa Rica and will actually eat, since everything he took to DC last year came back uneaten.

"I just want bags of tortillas."

#NewMexicoTrue

We're Gonna Need More Pizza

Callum to roofers: Hi guys! We brought pizza!

(Not for roofers, for us, for dinner.)

Tiny Teeth, Big Dreams

"I got the BIGGEST bag so the tooth fairy can fill it with lots of money!"

Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty, Little Cup of Tea

Barista: Oh, and we also have a Lavender Earl Grey.
Violet: YOU HAVE OUR CAT?!


Earl Grey, our cat

Growing Old, Together

Me: Can you pluck that weird hair for me? I can't reach it.
Him: Where?
Me: There!
Him: I don't see anything.
Me: Right there!
Him: Honey, you know I can't see things up close anymore.

Olive Writes II

We really need to start reading her weekly writing assignments.

An excerpt from What My House Says About Me:
"Earl Grey, my cat, loves my bed. His tail is super short, and sometimes when he goes to the litterbox he doesn't get 100% clean. Some of it ends in the box and some sticks to his tail. Then he goes to sit on my face while I'm napping. Yes, my morning face is probably worse than yours."

One of Us

Me: "Guys, come here! I want to show you something on the computer."
Violet: "Is it a cat wideo? I love cats!"

Violet on Giraffes and Dinosaurs

A giraffe IS SO BIG! with a LONG NECK! like a dinosaur, so it is a dinosaur.

Duh.

Callum and the Schedule

Me: You start I Love Literacy again today.

Callum: You mean I have Cooking after school today.

Me: No, Cooking is on Thursdays. Today is Tuesday, and on Tuesdays you go to I Love Literacy.

Callum: I will go to Cooking instead.

Me: No.

Callum: Then I will go to Spanish.

Me: No.

(What he will actually do is go to the office and pretend he doesn't know where he's supposed to be in hopes of a better answer.)