Harder Than You'd Think

I am looking for a Heidi costume that does not include the words ho, wench, sexy, or Playboy-licensed in it's description.

Ollie's First Greens

Peas? No. Green beans? No.

Fistfulls of grass. At soccer.

Lovely.

Is it too late to add a few more wallets to my order?

Quick! It's picture day! You're a 5 year old boy. What do you do?

You trip over your own feet, land on your face, on the way to school, at the bus stop, that exact morning. Your nose swells up and you bleed and bleed and bleed.

Oh yeah, it's picture day alright.

(This was taken this evening, swelling gone, second clean shirt of the day. Wanna do my laundry?)

Ollie on Rolling

Rolling from back to tummy is fun, until you realize that once there it's self-imposed tummy time. Scream. Like. Hell.

(Don't try to roll back or anything.)

I Give Him Credit for Trying

I am not buying that when the Cracker's teacher said to dress up for picture day she meant wear your Halloween costume.

It's a good thing we found each other because no one else gets us

Me: Flossing.
Him: Drawing himself a man bath.

Me: "Are you using lavender baby wash?!"
Him: "It's all we have. AND much better smelling than stewing in my own sweaty ass juice!"

Someone really needs to add bubble bath to the shopping list.

Wordless Monday

Proud Mama

Cracker: "I'll be the Dad, you be the Mom, and you be the kid."
Boy @ park: "But I'm a boy. I don't want to be the Mom."
Cracker: "That's okay, we can be a family of two Daddies!"

Jason on Ollie's Squealing

"Somewhere bats are saying 'Whaaaat?'"

To Know Her is to Love Her

Beeeeeep.

"Hi honey, it's Mom. Your father and I just wanted to let you know that we'll be sending off more of your inheritance to Obama later today..."

Recycle, Reuse, Renew!

Sometimes I think I'm rather clever. Sometimes I crack myself up. This is totally one of those times.



















Amidst a sea of McCain minivans in the pickup line at our (public) school (that has uniforms...gah) (that refuses to teach evolution, even though it means they lose government funding...double gah) I brand this my own crazy politico version of Intelligent Design.

Kindergarten: Day Three

"I'm so glad you're here!" Cracker runs up to friend and gives him a big old hug.
"PDA! PDA! NO HUGGING ALLOWED AT SCHOOL!" yells a chorus of older children.

And then I had to pull aside my sweet little boy and try to explain that while hugs are wonderful, they are not allowed at his new school.

I understand why, it's just, well, you know, the sad world we live in that hugging = possible suspension.

Kindergarten: Day Two

"Something really bad happened at lunch. These two little girls, one was five and the other one six, they spilled all my cous cous!"

Kindergarten: Day One

"We played outside on the playground, but not so much inside. I'm not sure what's up with that."

Shoe Whore

Just in case you were wondering, I still really like ugly shoes, and I am in desperate need of new shoes, since my silly feet grew even bigger with Ollie. Seriously, it's not that I want shoes, I need shoes. Ask my husband.

(Okay, yeah don't.)

I wasn't in any hurry, but then there was this 20% coupon with free shipping, including free return shipping, and I accidentally stumbled upon these and I had to go to another site to get my size so there wasn't any coupon and they are back ordered but promised they will send them right off to me as soon as they get them and OMG I will die if they renege because I simply cannot live without these shoes shoes.

Voilà Converse (PRODUCT) RED Chuck Taylor® All Star® Lil' RED Riding Hood









Seriously...little orgasm. The only thing that could make them even better is if they were tax deductible, but the Converse site volunteers that they are not. (Even though I know better the thought had crossed my mind for a split second.)

Oh? Those aren't ugly? Just strange? Maybe even kinda cute? (I know! They're seriously just plain awesome, right?)

Then what about these? They're made in Sweden (sweet!) and we love apples and there was that darn 20% off coupon and I've been looking for the right whimsical clogs ever since I missed out on the Dansko Dalmatians and my son is going to kindergarten on Monday and yes I seriously ordered these.









And our 11th wedding anniversary is coming up in September and I'm pretty sure that the traditional gift is shoes so if you know of any others you think I might need please do drop me a line.

So. Excited.

We knew this day would come

Found: 1 dismantled alarm clock
"It's okay Mommy. I'm fixing it!"
Dude, it wasn't broken.
J: "Don't say anything. It's what boys do."


Found: little pieces of drum kit littered across the bedroom floor alongside a dozen plastic tools.
Me: "You're beloved computer may be next. Am I allowed to have that chat with him now?"

You know people think you're granola when...

they keep gifting your new daughter tie-dyed onsies.

One Little Pilot

"Mommy, Daddy, I don't want to be an Astronaut anymore."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't want to go to space."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't want to wear Astronaut Pull-Ups. I'm just going to fly airplanes instead."

Wordless Wednesday

And This Two Shall Pass

Hello, my name is Heidi. Second-time parent, first-time administrice d'enema.

That means I gave my daughter a shit pill.


It appears that Ollie's first big-girl poop may be stuck in the chute. According to our Ped, she's reached the ripe old age when her cottage cheese-like curdy stools give way to something...uh...more solid?* She wiggles, she grunts, she turns various shades of red and purple, but her little muscles just don't have the oomph. My poor baby!

It's been 11 days people.

The Rx:
-1/2 Infant Gylcerin Suppository, cut "girth-wise"
Manually pinch cheeks closed for 15 minutes to retain pill and prevent seepage. Deisred effect generally produced in 1/4 to 1 hour. (Currently 3h 22m and counting...) If bowel movement has not been passed after 8 hours, repeat. If that doesn't work, call the Ped.

I just love how these things always fall on a Sunday.


*Neither J or I remember this from the Cracker, just the introduction to solids. Yick. Something to look forward to, especially since we are cloth diapering.** I'm totally jonesing one of these.

**Except not tonight, even though I know cloth would handle a blowout better (shout out to my girl Izabela: her diapers can hold anything, and her stiching is a work of art that will make you weep) but because I am as equally fond of our fluffies as I am terrified of what will hopefully come out of my daughter.

Color Five

"I did, and then I colored the rest."

Wordless Wednesday

There's a placenta in my fridge

Introducing
OLIVE MOR.AN
16 April 2008
5:58pm
6 pounds, 8 ounces
20 inches

Localese

My first trip to Walmart in a year.

"Hi. Do you know what aisle I can find antibacterial moist towelettes?"
"Huh?"
"Little antibacterial wipes? They come individually packaged, maybe 20 in a little box."
"Eh?"
"Similar idea as Purell, but in a little wipe?"
"Sorry, I don't know what you're talking about."
Grr....
"Like they give you in a restraunt after you eat ribs for cleaning up."
"Oh! Right this way!"

Too Late

"Mommy?"
"Yes?"
"How do you spell 'booty'?"
"B-O-O-T-Y."
"B-O-O-T-Y spells booty. B-O-O-T-Y."

Wait...shit.