Question

In the spirit of Halloween and the Tootsie Pop question, how many car lengths can my children get before I notice they are all outfitted with big ass sticks?

The silver minivan is ours, so...two?

Death with Dignity

She has my mom's cancer, and my unwavering support.

I See Four Year Olds

Second year of band, October 2014


Second year of preschool, October 2007


I have a smilier one, but the sax player/ninja's face is blocked by nose picking.

Olive's First Grade Teacher on Visiting the Restroom

"Gentlemen, please remember to keep your hands to yourself. LADIES! Remember: flush-wash-leave! Flush! Wash! LEAVE! No chatting, no hanging out. Do not make me have to send in a search party."

Callum on Cleaning Up

Momma singing: "Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere..."
Callum singing: "No no, no no, no no no no no no no..."

A favorite oldie I keep forgetting to write down, luckily there was yet another encore presentation this weekend.

What is it?

Is it a cow?




Is it a dog?




It is a dog.




Good morning, butthole!



(Glad to see all the 50+ ladies on the school staff taking balloon butthole pictures and giggling, too.)

Olive on Grades

Absolutely devastated. "Two out of three? WHAT!? Mom, I just got my first F!"

Olive on the Bonus Letter Rule. Or not.

Last week in first grade Olive was introduced to the the Bonus Letter Rule. This reopened a whole new can of insecurity over spelling. Yay! Ya know, because she doesn't know all the rules of English yet, and she's about to turn six and a half.

Writing and illustrating a book with bunnies for funsies while her brother does his homework:

"Mom, I think fur has one r and fur-ry has two. Is that correct?"
"Yes."
"Spell it."
Seriously?
"Please?"
"F-u..."
Little giggles from Olive.
"...r-r-y."
"Can you start over?"
"F-u..."
Hysterical laughter around the table.

Good one.

G on Skid Marks

"I don't like wiping. It feels funny." Smile, giggle, giggle.

Labor Day Memories

Callum getting really, truly, hopelessly stuck in an empty tomato cage, and not for the first time this summer.

Bittersweet

There was a new car, purchased for a new baby. We adopted new furry friends, old ones passed away from illness and age. We celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary with almost an entire house full of new furniture, then the majority of the appliances replaced with new ones within the last year.

I've spent a lot of time the last few months looking at the spot where my mom always sat in our home. The table is falling apart, the chairs now only brought out for overflow for our biggest gatherings. We moved our meals into the formal dinning room years ago. If there was one thing I could take with me from this house it's that spot, red wall in the background and crappy flooring I've always hated but never got around to replacing.

That chair on the end, where Olive's hand is resting? That was my mom's spot. When things moved from the kitchen to the living room she simply picked up her chair and turned it around.



Next week we move into our new home in a (not really) new city. We probably won't bring the table. We've been shopping for a new one.

Even before the next family moves in and starts making it their own it is already not the same house it was in 2008. You know what's weird? To think of you mom, living or not, showing up at your home and not recognizing it, or your car as you drive down the street. Even crazier, not living there anymore.

But much to my surprise that's not what knocked the wind out of me, that moment came when the nice person setting up internet service and the new landline told me to grab a pen and write down our new number. Last year we got new mobile numbers, and now the landline is changing, too.

Wow. I don't even care, it's just...mindblowing.

My Dog

Our dog still prefers sign language to the spoken word. When we don't teach him new signs fast enough he invents his own, and then we are stupid idiots until we figure them out. Our favorites over the last year (all of which are things we didn't really want our dog to be familiar with in the first place) are:

HOT DOG
TV
HAND OVER YOUR SMART PHONE/iPAD
and...FUCK YOU.

Oh, and my dog is still obsessed with Katy Perry's Roar. Even Olive is like, "OMG I am so sick of that song!"

And if you put on his Star Wars shirt he will start singing the Imperial March. Always.

Not So Diplomatic Olive

Grandpa: Okay Olive, G got to pick the first chair, so you get to pick the first blanket.
Olive: I want the one he wants.
Grandpa: (Laughing) But what one do you want?
Olive: Whatever blanket he wants...THAT ONE.

All Olive Wants for Christmas

"Mom! I got to tell Santa two things I want for Christmas! Zoomer and a Kindle Fire HD Does It!"

I dare you to correct her. Believe me, G has tried.

At least it seems she has finally comes to terms with not getting an iPad. Sort of.

Selfies (With Tongue)

I don't know how to use my new phone, but Callum will teach me.

These are the kind of people I want as friends

Dinovember kicks Shelf Elf ass.

Gifted, Part I

Report in her hand, Olive's teacher started with the standard monologue. But I'd been reading G's assessments for years, and I knew right where to find scores with a stolen glance.

"It's a formative test designed and administered to first and second graders, not kindergartners. It does not match our school curriculum, but it provides a baseline score in which we can chart a student's growth. Much of what she was tested on will not even be introduced until second and third grade!"

And kindergarten Olive aced it, her very first standardized test: top of the ninety-ninth percentile nationally in math. (Ninety-fourth percentile in reading.)

Her teacher reached across the table and took my hands, forcing me to look her in the eye. "Your daughter is not just gifted, she is exceptionally gifted."

Welcome Olive, to Gifted & Talented and Honors everything.

Olive on Honey Ham

"Is it local honey?"

Leader of the School Band

Mommy: I'm curious, why did you choose the baritone?
G: It's the loudest, which makes it the leader of the band!
Olive: You know what I'm going to be? The microphone!

Communicating with Callum II

Mommy: Callum, go tell your brother I'm making pancakes for breakfast.
Callum: (Squeals, turns and runs full speed to G's door.)
KNOCK! KNOCK!
G: Yes?
Callum: (Points excitedly towards kitchen.) YAY!

Communicating with Callum

Speech Therapist: Let's talk with your hands!
Callum: (Silently shakes his head no.)
Speech Therapist: Here, let me show you.
Callum: (Gives her The Look.)
Speech Therapist gently takes his hands, Callum takes them back.
Speech Therapist gently takes his hands again, Callum takes them back and shoves them down his crotch.
Speech Therapist: See? He's hiding his hands from me, but I'm going to keep going.
Speech Therapist gently takes his hands, Callum takes them back and makes a big show of sitting on them.
End of session.

Don't Wanna Be an American Idiot

In the car, radio playing, spaced out Mommy.

Olive: I know what a redneck is, and I know what an agenda (day planner) is, but what's a redneck agenda?
Tired Mommy: Well, um, rednecks traditionally vote Republican...
Olive: So they don't want gay people to get married!
Tired Mommy: A lot of Republicans have had a change of heart recently and are now supporting equal...
Olive: Which reminds me, I've been meaning to ask: how DO gay people make babies? And can you really not get to the end of a rainbow? Daddy said you can't, but I really want to try! I also want to make barrettes!

Always Inappropriate Olive

"Dad! I'm going to my room with three strange men!"
Cue my silent, WHAT THE FUCK! reaction.
Jason, "It's a line from Mystery Men."

Whip It

Jason: Come quick! And bring the camera!
Heidi: Why? What's going on?
Jason: The kids are playing Devo!

Holiday Card Rejects: Olive (Summer Holiday 2013)

Molas Pass, Colorado

Castello di Amorosa, Napa Valley, California

Temple Square, Salt Lake City, Utah

Rosedale, California

Ikea, Emeryville, California

Tahoe City, California