All Olive Wants for Christmas

"Mom! I got to tell Santa two things I want for Christmas! Zoomer and a Kindle Fire HD Does It!"

I dare you to correct her. Believe me, G has tried.

At least it seems she has finally comes to terms with not getting an iPad. Sort of.

Selfies (With Tongue)

I don't know how to use my new phone, but Callum will teach me.

These are the kind of people I want as friends

Dinovember kicks Shelf Elf ass.

Gifted, Part I

Report in her hand, Olive's teacher started with the standard monologue. But I'd been reading G's assessments for years, and I knew right where to find scores with a stolen glance.

"It's a formative test designed and administered to first and second graders, not kindergartners. It does not match our school curriculum, but it provides a baseline score in which we can chart a student's growth. Much of what she was tested on will not even be introduced until second and third grade!"

And kindergarten Olive aced it, her very first standardized test: top of the ninety-ninth percentile nationally in math. (Ninety-fourth percentile in reading.)

Her teacher reached across the table and took my hands, forcing me to look her in the eye. "Your daughter is not just gifted, she is exceptionally gifted."

Welcome Olive, to Gifted & Talented and Honors everything.

Olive on Honey Ham

"Is it local honey?"

Leader of the School Band

Mommy: I'm curious, why did you choose the baritone?
G: It's the loudest, which makes it the leader of the band!
Olive: You know what I'm going to be? The microphone!

Communicating with Callum II

Mommy: Callum, go tell your brother I'm making pancakes for breakfast.
Callum: (Squeals, turns and runs full speed to G's door.)
KNOCK! KNOCK!
G: Yes?
Callum: (Points excitedly towards kitchen.) YAY!

Communicating with Callum

Speech Therapist: Let's talk with your hands!
Callum: (Silently shakes his head no.)
Speech Therapist: Here, let me show you.
Callum: (Gives her The Look.)
Speech Therapist gently takes his hands, Callum takes them back.
Speech Therapist gently takes his hands again, Callum takes them back and shoves them down his crotch.
Speech Therapist: See? He's hiding his hands from me, but I'm going to keep going.
Speech Therapist gently takes his hands, Callum takes them back and makes a big show of sitting on them.
End of session.

Don't Wanna Be an American Idiot

In the car, radio playing, spaced out Mommy.

Olive: I know what a redneck is, and I know what an agenda (day planner) is, but what's a redneck agenda?
Tired Mommy: Well, um, rednecks traditionally vote Republican...
Olive: So they don't want gay people to get married!
Tired Mommy: A lot of Republicans have had a change of heart recently and are now supporting equal...
Olive: Which reminds me, I've been meaning to ask: how DO gay people make babies? And can you really not get to the end of a rainbow? Daddy said you can't, but I really want to try! I also want to make barrettes!

Always Inappropriate Olive

"Dad! I'm going to my room with three strange men!"
Cue my silent, WHAT THE FUCK! reaction.
Jason, "It's a line from Mystery Men."

Whip It

Jason: Come quick! And bring the camera!
Heidi: Why? What's going on?
Jason: The kids are playing Devo!

Holiday Card Rejects: Olive (Summer Holiday 2013)

Molas Pass, Colorado

Castello di Amorosa, Napa Valley, California

Temple Square, Salt Lake City, Utah

Rosedale, California

Ikea, Emeryville, California

Tahoe City, California

Olive's Pre-K Graduation

Diploma and EVERYONE GOT A PRESENT!

Spoiler: Books and iPads are both rectangles.

Fuck you, preschool.

Mommy wanted happy pictures, so we went to the park.  It worked!

Until, inevitably her brother pissed her off.

And then, inevitably, her Dad.  Olive's problem = anything with a penis.

Super cool and free juice carton bling ring tho.

Daddy in drag = forgiven!

It's off to Kindergarten she goes!

Noooooooo!

Cracker singing in the shower post track & field.

"I really have to pee!  I really have to pee!  Ahhh!  I feel so much better now."

Weaned

Callum feels big.

Bro smoothie 'stache.

We're trying to take him seriously, but it's hard.

Classic blankie photobomb.

(Little boys wearing bubblegum pink glitter toe nail polish is in right now, so I'm pretty sure pearls are, too.)

Pedicure not pictured, but believe me it's there.

Proprioceptive and vestibular input junkie.

Callum has big boy feelings, strong ones.

Sit-in protesting leaving the pool.

He's been obsessed with lightsabers for months now, and feels perfectly comfortable in the middle of a 4th grade battle.

Turns out weapons are allowed in the post office, if they know you.

And while he's not super talkative about anything other than "FOOD!" he's got the sound effects down.

Callum is a runner, and he likes to just take off without letting us know, especially at Target.  He can find the fastest route to the toy department from any starting point.

Wandering the desert with half a pool noodle, following the force.

While I think it is a nursing strike, as of tonight I declare you weaned.  Going cold turkey from three times a day to zero is hard on your old mother's body.

Twenty three months is a good run.

I'm still going to call you my baby.

Thinking of You

Mom,

It was a perfect spring day here, exactly the kind you loved so much. Thinking of you, this morning I dressed Callum in one of the t-shirts we bought for G on our last trip to New England together, and wondered where the heck that little Red Sox baseball cap might be that we later decided was good luck since they went on to win the World Series that year. I smiled a lot, remembering that crappy little rental car and how you made me drive every time we left Aquidneck Island, our crazy adventures road tripping up and down the insanity that is I-95, and getting stuck on the Tappan Zee Bridge, nearly breaking out the Pampers because we had to pee so freakin' bad. Remember the joy of being naughty as we broke Poppy's number one rule (never drive into, or even in the vicinity of, Boston and NYC!) over and over?  Hard to believe it was nine years ago next month.

Last night I thought of you as Jason and I were talking vacations, remembering Boston two years ago, because omg why do I always get stuck driving in circles in Charlestown? Even then, with my best big city driving skills and crazy pregnancy hormones in your zippy car with GPS and a gazillion paper maps Jason would like to know how you can "keep making turns and get absolutely nowhere!"  Probably because we couldn't stop belly-laughing and crying, just like Ganna.  I'm not sure why driving in NE is so funny, but it really is, isn't it?  You'd probably say it's a yankee thing I got from her, but she gave it to you, too.  I really wish you could watch Jason's version.  It's a lot like his telling of our '97 trip, when he thought we'd spent the day driving around Rhode Island and Massachusetts and was flabbergasted to learn he'd been all the way up to Freeport, Maine and back.  Good times.

It's always something, and it's not just me, it's even the people you'd least expect.  During the playoffs, when Poppy's Pats had a chance of going to the Superbowl, I thought of you two slapping bets on top of the tv, trying so hard not to bust out laughing as you talked smack about each other's teams.  From the eyes of a little kid, adults pretending to behave badly over football with money was the funniest thing ever.  And when the Pats didn't make it this year but your beloved 49ers did, Jen reached out to let me know she remembers, too.  "Thinking of your mom today.  I feel like I should be singling, 'We love you Niners, oh yes we do! :) '"  Yes, your emotionless niece Jen!  I know!  Right?

And everyone you'd expect, too.  We all think of you, all the time.

It still feels like home away from home, and I'm so glad that there's so much more than bad things happening there to make me think of you.  Thank you.

Love,
Heidi

You Might Not Be a Redneck If...

Your ten year old son excitedly bursts out "Cool!" when they bring out a starting pistol at the track meet, and you realize it's the first real gun he's ever seen.

In the Name of Love

I often joke that growing up five miles outside of San Francisco didn't prepare me for the world, nor did being an exchange student living in Spain*, New Zealand**, and Argentina***.

But this time I'm not talking about my redneck neighbors. Not exactly.

Twenty three years ago my Aunt Florence took her own life. There were numerous contributing factors, but the biggest was feeling like an outcast, even in liberal Northern California, even with the support of her partner and our family.

I can't believe that twenty three years later things haven't even changed all that much. Holy fucking Chick-fil-A Day.

It not just about benefits, it's about respect, and love. It's not an agenda, it's people's lives.



Rest In Peace, Aunt Flo.


*Same sex marriage legal since 2005.
**Same sex marriage legalized in 2013.
***Same sex marriage legal since 2010.

When Procrastination Pays Off

From his (3 years older) sister's drawer.



They fit, with no room to grow. And he loved them.

Love Bites

Valentine's Day, 5:30pm, Meeting for Dinner

Me: Rawr! Damn you lookin' fine!
Him: Yeah? That's good, because [super mega giant company] showed up unannounced at my cube today.
Me: Squinting. What's wrong with your ear lobe?
Him: ?
Me: Inspecting... OH CRAP! Is that a hickey?! Did I give you a hickey?
Him: On my ear? What? No! There was biting...
Me: Oh shit, you're right! That's what it is! It looks exactly like when Callum bites Olive, purple bruising and then...right there! Teeth marks!
Him: Smiling, nodding. That's awesome!

Hehe, and that was just from regular ol' Ash Wednesday night.

More Crazy Like a Grandparent

At school, nearly empty classroom:

Teacher: Hi there! We were just discussing Olive's tooth brushing skills. She is amazing to watch! Front, back, backside, all those hard to reach places... She brushes better than most adults! Please, tell us your secret!

Me: Yeeeeeeah, that was my dad.

Silence. Teacher, teacher's aide, and student teacher all looking at me expectantly.

Me: He, umm...well, like a year ago...he, uh, was trying to get her big brother to understand the importance of good oral hygiene, and it wasn't working. So, um, he googled "Meth mouth."

Silence.

Me: It didn't work on G. You know, nine year old boys! It was so gross he thought it was hysterically funny. But it made an impression on Olive.

Teacher, laughing: It certainly did!

Crazy Like a Grandparent

At Costco:

Giggling, "Mom, you forgot to get a dog bed so I can lay down in the cart and bark at people."
Oh hell no. "You have me confused with someone else."
More giggling, "Pappy!"

Good Guys with Guns Need Our Help

Another thing that stops a bad guy with a gun? A good guy with a gun and money.

#trendingwithlittleboys

Today, January 29, 2013, 1:28:20 PM

Fuck the puzzle you've brought to distract me, I'm totally gonna take this shit apart.
#waterandelectricitydonotmix

Let's blow that picture up, shall we? That would be an outlet cover in his hand.
#babyprooffail


Today, January 29, 2013, 1:35:13 PM

Why yes I did ride it all the way over here for a very specific purpose.
#vehiclesofmassdestruction


Today, January 29, 2013, 1:39ish PM
Not pictured. Presents me with someone's scientific calculator in "error" mode.
#mommyfixitsoIcanbreakitagain


Today, January 29, 2013, 2:05 PM
#praisethenap


UPDATE:
Today, January 29, 2013, 2:41 PM
Not pictured. Over the baby monitor, "I ya youuuu!"
#Iloveyoutoo

BEST HOMEWORK EXCUSE EVER

Insanely long story, full of drama and punctuated with much hand gesturing, eye rolling, sighing, and pre-teen angst, ending with:

     "Someone did turn my math book in to the front office, but they [the school administration] didn't know what it [a school issued text book] was and accidentally threw it away."

Poor Jason, karma's a bitch.  As the wife/mother it's actually pretty darn funny.

UPDATE:  We received an email from his teacher.  The above is totally true.  Unfucking believable.

Wordless

Santa Fe, New Mexico                              NOH8 Campaign                              November 2011

Busted Being Old

Trying very hard not to dance all the while totally lip syncing and enthusiastically head bopping to "Automatic" by the Pointer Sisters as I make my way through Trader Joe's.

I wasn't even embarrassed when I totally made a random guy bust out laughing. I think that's when I added some shoulder.

No way to control it, it's totally automatic.

Mesmerized

Up and down, on his little tippy toes, watching the big girls.

Boy Parts

Olive, my self-proclaimed artist daughter, likes to entertain her tablemates by nibbling her food into different shapes. It started innocently enough with graham cracker underpants and has evolved greatly over time.

Tonight at dinner, in a restaurant, she proudly presented the table with a scrotum. Or a boat. Also, a capital D laying on it's tummy. But really, first and foremost, a scrotum.

Thank goodness this still applies. We all tried really hard not to react. The Cracker lost it first, I silently followed, and by the end even the baby was all "funniest thing ever!"

She is LOUD, and she wouldn't let it go, but at least it wasn't "scrotum" she uttered no less than a dozen times.


PS Please, crazy people, stop lecturing the rest of us on using correct anatomical terms with the very young if you aren't going to do it right. When dealing with preschoolers the opposite of penis is not vagina. Girls do not pee out of their vaginas. Seriously. Look it up.

22 Days Straight of Sick

and still going. Over break we watched every clip we could find of BBC's Walk on the Wild Side.



Jason's cube farm has an Allen. And a Steve. It's been difficult.

Homework Classic

Trevor walks 10 units south on the Northern Trail. Then he walks 3 units west, 4 units north, 3 units west, and 6 units north. How much of the trail did Trevor walk?

"Most of the way."