Penis. There. I said it.

What the hell did our parents do without the internet? I mean, where else can you ask 1000 moms at 2am if it's normal for your 18 month old to spend hours a day humping anything he can lie down on? And that the condition only worsens when he's watching Teletubbies?

My most recent quest: I NEED 4T John Deere unpants. This will solve our one accident a day problem, right? Or the fact that he won't tell me he's going to lay a big fat turd until he's half way done?

But, unfortunately, all I found is that there is at least one other mom out there who is as dulusional as I am. Maybe when Google is finally forced to turn over their records the Department of Homeland Security they can let Hanes and Fruit of the Loom know for me that yes, there is a market for them. (Little + boys + underpants + farm + equipment is sure to raise the terrorism flag afterall.)

Shit, you can't even find a "gently used" pair to buy on Ebay, so I know they must not exist. How do you think he'd look in a thong instead?

In Cracker news...this morning he used the verb to have for the first time. How, you ask?

"Mommy...Daddy...I...have...a...wee!" Which of course launched him into an 8am discussion of everyone we know and whether or not they too have a magical something hanging down between their legs.

Okay, I pride myself on being liberal, but I just can't bring myself to encourage my 38 month old to call it a penis, at least not yet. Because at some point he's going to not only tell us, but the 92 year old woman carrying her oxygen tank around Target. Wee it is.

And as I asked my 2am know-it-all-internet mommy friends a few months back, what the heck do you call women parts? Let me tell you that opened a can of worms I didn't expect it to. Vagina? No. Wait, does that include the urethra? All I could do was point them in the direction of Oprah's favorite how-to-find-your-G-spot experts, the Berman sisters.

I did get one kinda okay idea. I don't want my son to go around thinking that he has a penis and girls have nothing. Best suggestion: hair. "Boys have a penis, girls have HAIR." But wait, from what my girls tell me, while most of them are shaving, their husbands are not.

Shoot me now.

Fast forward a few hours: I call my parents, who are shopping at Costco, and share with them our newest linguistic accomplishment. And then I launch into my whole spiel about the possible implications of saying penis in public. "Doesn't it seem a little weird to say penis in public? Even if it's a little kid? Mommy, my penis hurts. Mommy, my penis is itchy. Mommy, why is my penis so big right now? Penis! Penis! Penis! "

Five minutes in, my mom says, "Uh...honey...I really need for find your father. I can't get the phone off speaker."

Oops.