Is there a support group out there for me?

HI, MY NAME IS HEIDI. I AM 28 YEARS OLD, AND I BREAK VIBRATORS.

I have just returned from the local naughty shop where I purchased my third, yes third, vibrator in just 5 (okay 4 and a half) months. Remember how I pointed out that 90 cents worth of batteries from Costco for 2 hours of use was cheaper than Starbucks or even a Therapist? Yeah, I was wrong.

Including tonight I have now spent $102 + tax excluding batteries in four and a half months. (The only way I can live with myself is to break it down by cost per month. Do the math with me.) And I'd be willing to buy a more expensive one if I knew it would last, but right now I don't dare.

What the hell is my husband, who is sleeping and doesn't know yet, going to say? Well, after almost 9 years of marriage (yes 9, and I am 28...we're freaks, I know) I know exactly what he is going to say:

"Woman! What the hell are you doing to those poor things when diddling* yourself?" And then he will laugh so hard that he will have to pee.

Okay, so the first one, at $22, so not my fault that it broke. It was supposed to be waterproof. It wasn't. What supposedly made it so was nothing more than a jelly ring (cheaper and flimsier than the jewelry version) that circled the base to create suctioned waterproof seal when you put the battery cover back on. It worked fine on dry land for quite some time, but then after only a few trips to the tub the sucker got corroded from water leakage and the wires going to the battery connections inside broke. Then J tried to fix it, because he's an Engineer, and he knows how to manipulate a soldering iron. But, try as he might, we discovered that when you take a hot gun any where in the vicinity of elastomer the result is smoke, then melted goo, and finally crusty melted ickiness.

























Jelly bracelets and rings: in the 80's did you wear them too? Were you cool like me?

The next one, at $40, was fancier. After killing the waterproof one I had a better idea of what I wanted the next time around. Of course, one of the functions which was assured to be fun turned out to be icky and kinda hurty, but it was still worth the $ because that sucker had pow-ah. (Amazing what one more little AA battery can do!) Then, tonight, I broke it. Because it is see through, I can see what I did: two little broken wires inside. Arugh! I will still have J try to fix it, but to get to the wires we are going to have to slice open the dong and IF the surgery works, cover the incision with electrical tape which probably won't hold. So I figure it's a goner.

Okay, I really didn't want to go out tonight. I also really didn't want to deal with all this drama. The Cracker was in bed, and J was home so I could, but I really really didn't want to. So I decided to make myself a snack while I thought it over, the pros and cons of it all.

Lately, I've been trying to eat 100% healthy instead of 95% healthy, so the freezer is low on everything but frozen veggies. As luck would have it, way in the back I find something greasy that J hasn't found or else it'd be gone. I open the box, stick two on a plate. What the...?

THE UNIVERSE IS MOCKING ME.
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Get out camera. Try to take picture. Batteries dead. Go to nightstand. Get batteries from my partially used collection. Dead too. Go back and grab from my unused collection even though I'm running low. Viola. Walk from kitchen to home office to set camera next to computer. Come back to kitchen. Find two of our three cats licking my snack. Two egg rolls, two cats, one cat on each. BUT THE WORST PART? THE SOUND: raspy cat tongues scraping against fried bubbles! Blech. (This was not a smooth egg roll, but maybe that's a spring roll. Whatever.)

Thanks to the cats, I now have a new soundtrack for my nightmares. (No, I am still not going to call them Pussy. I am not a man.) Throw egg rolls away. Give up on the snack thing.

Time to weigh my options.

To go or not to go?
1. J will probably not be able to fix it.
2. He's asleep and won't even be able to try until tomorrow night, if he's not too tired.
3. They close in an hour and I can't go tomorrow with the Cracker. You know, 21 and up only, even though I wouldn't take him even if I could.
4. J will be working 60 hour weeks again beginning tomorrow, and he and his schlong will be home late-late.
5. I am on the verge of ovulation...the only 4 days in a month when I actually initiate sex with the love of my life when I'm sober. No working vibe AND no man? That's just mean.

Crap.

I drag my sorry ass out. On the drive I decide that maybe it's the brand. Is there no pride in workmanship anymore? Before this, the last one was 10 years old and still worked, just wasn't the "rabbit" type. (Look it up on the net if you don't know.) But I already know after gallivanting with J's sister last week going to every pervert store in the state that they have the best selection at the shop right near my house AND that they are also the least expensive, even compared to online prices. And then there's the location...this is one of the less obvious reasons to live on the edge of civilization like we do: before our neighborhood went in, that was the end of town, perfect for such an establishment, squeezed in between a Sonic and the laundry mat.

Pretty quickly, cause I know what I'm looking for, I find one by a different manufacturer. Perfect! Looks sturdier, it's sooooo pretty, excludes creepy/hurty feature, and best yet only $38.95. So I take it to the counter where they extract it from the box and fill her up with batteries. Gotta test it in the store because they don't take returns, no matter what. (I'm glad.) And the mo fo only sporadically works. The GUY behind the counter basically tells me to take it, I probably just need to learn how to turn it on. Uh, no. Turn it on and it does it's thing for a few seconds and then konks out. Guy is still telling me it's probably okay. Like hell I'm going to buy one with problems with my reputation. We both test it some more and now it isn't working at all. And of course it's the last one.

Can I also mention that this is the first time I've seen a guy behind the counter? It's always been the funny girls I'd love to go have margaritas with. And then because I'm in agony explaining why I won't buy it even though I want it, I tell him about the soldering iron. And his face is saying "this chick is whak!"

So I go back and pick up another, but by the manufacturer of the last two. Open box, batteries come out of the other one and into this one. It works, at least for now.

AND NOW, I ASK YOU TO BOW YOUR HEAD AND JOIN ME AS I PRAY FOR IT'S CONTINUED GOOD HEALTH. (Insert moment of silence.) AMEN.

*his word, not mine