Wanted: Wife

Whenever things around the house get out of control, J offers to get me a wife. In his mind, it will be easier to deal with two women than actually help me himself.

What a guy.

There are a few rules to this wife thing. First, I have no money to pay her, so she must work for free. (Yeah, that's original, ain't it?) Second, J does not get to have his way with her, no matter how uninterested
Cracker helping out, January 2006

or bitchy I am. (He has already agreed.) In fact, let's just have her work days, and maybe the occasional night or weekend when I am scrambling to make our house presentable before guests arrive.

So it's not what you may think: I don't want a maid, a handyman or a nanny...more like a combination of all three. Someone who will do all the things I hate to do and do it the way I want it done.

It's not that I hate all my housewife and Mommy duties, just certain little bits.

1) I will go to Walmart and fill two carts every other week, but my wife will unload the car and put everything away.
2) I will clean the toilets, but not the showers. (Weird, I know. I don't love to clean toilets, but the shower and tub, OMG, please don't make me.)
3) I will vacuum the carpeted areas, but not clean the hard floors.
4) I will do the dishes, but not unload the dishwasher. (Why oh why do I hate to unload the dishwasher so much?)
5) I will change diapers and peel pee soaked underpants off my child, but not take out the trash.
6) I will keep the counters crumb free but not spray the perimeter of the house weekly to keep pests out.
7) I will do the laundry, but not fold it, hang it, or put it away.
8) I will cook all meals, but will not also try to entertain my child at the same time.
9) I will wash the cars, including windows and wheels, but not take them in for oil changes.
10) I will start home improvement projects, but not finish them.
11) I will tend to the gardening, but not pick up tumbleweed. (Those suckers are thorny!)
12) I will open the bills and write the checks, but not balance the check book or go to the post office.
12) I will handle tantrums and meltdowns, but when he's happy ask that I get a few minutes here and there of peace.
13) I will take the Cracker to the potty 20x/day, but after that I stop.